Hello beautiful bloggers of mine!!!!! I just wanted to pop back on here to do what I love to do best. Share my most inner thoughts and ideas about concepts I've lived through and experienced in the flesh. Major Lol. Back in middle school, about eighteen years ago I was writing notes and passing them along to my then temporary besties. It was the main form of communication before the social media era took off and the cellphones texting phenomenon launched.
I remember getting so excited to hand out my notes and letters to my besties and also to receive a reply letter. None except one bestie really lasted for months on end -- to the point where we created a notebook that we exchanged almost daily back and forth at the end of the day. We mainly chit chatted about the boy drama that was going on in our small group of peers and also about our families drama as well. We also summarized our interaction highlights that occurred during each class throughout the day.
Apart from the regular common notes between close friends, there were also the few occasions that I was stupid enough to write boys I liked notes too. Looking back on it -- it was super embarrassing trying to explain myself to these immature boys of how I felt and how I liked them. I did it several times too, so it wasn't like a one time thing either. I never gave them the note or short letter in person myself (obviously) but always bribed or begged a friend to hand them the note for me. One time, the guy was so annoyed he barely wanted to read it and said something like "that ugly b****, monster, or devil" I can't recall the exact phrase but he used very derogatory language to reference me and it really hurt.
Another wild example of when I really was crushing on this one six grader that had left he school but had come back just to participate in the nature 6th grade field trip of three consecutive days: I wrote a small note saying something along the lines of " I think you are really cute" and I think I omitted my name and put it inside his lunch bag. To my utter demise, he wasn't the one who found the little note but one of his buddies that had looked inside his lunch bag and then had the audacity to read it out loud and started laughing. I can't remember exactly how it happened, but I happened to look back where they were seated and I guess they figured out it was my handwriting or I started smiling and then I admitted to it -- something like that. I wanted to crawl under my seat and regretted putting the note inside his lunch bag instead of just giving it to him maybe when there was nobody watching or something. I felt like a fool and getting his "ewww" reaction towards me always hurt too.
I hated admitting who I liked in school, because I knew the minute they knew I liked them, they immediately saw me in even more dislike than ever before and also with a disgusted attitude. If I had established the regular classmate interaction, you could say goodbye to that instantaneously. I always knew from the start that no good-looking guy would ever remotely like me or even consider me as a future girlfriend, but I still couldn't help but choose the pretty baby face guys all the time. Any who, I got a little side tracked, but it definitely was a weakness of mine to write people notes and letters growing up in school. I still have maybe a handful of them and mostly the birthday cards/cards throughout the years I've gotten in a box. I also have to admit, even in my adult years -- there have been occasions where I also wrote guys letters and notes with a picture of me (like they really cared-- not). I just love writing and I always found it such a heart-warming way to express your affection for someone then through a handwritten letter/note. Last sad example, my fake former best friend -- the one I spent years trying to connect with and bond with wrote me on a school money pink piece of paper a small note only one time. In the beginning, I used to write him notes frequently just updating him on my boy drama and school whereabouts because most of the times we saw each other at church we never had time to talk.
In every note, I would desperately request that he would reply back and I guess I annoyed him enough times that he thought writing that lame note on that pink school money would shut me up. At first, I was super excited to know he had finally replied back to me and then when I saw the small piece of paper and the things he wrote on it -- I was so disappointed and bumped that he couldn't even write me on a decent white piece of paper, but asked my other fake friend for it. I was so pathetic that I kept that stupid piece of paper in my purse for years even after he had abandoned me and lost contact with me. I kept it throughout high school and probably until I went into my junior year in college. It was the one thing I held onto because it was almost like I didn't want to let go of him. I probably read it once a month or whenever I switched purses or wallets. He wrote something like " Hola Milena, I never knew there was such a weird name out there. I hope you enjoy it enough to make you smile. I ran out of space but S.S.J.L.Y". The last letters were the phrase I would always write to him in each note which meant -- Smile Silly Jesus Loves You.
Okay, so that was a lot of in depth deep drama trauma from my childhood, teenage and adulthood. Major Lol. I lowkey also wrote my future husband a letter in my journal about two years ago now maybe more, but it's probably the hardest letter I've ever written in my life especially because I don't have that 100% guarantee that it will actually happen for me as much as I want it. In full disclosure, I constantly battle in my mind about this concept, because I overanalyze it. On one side, I question -- could there ever be a real man of God to see me for me and genuinely find me attractive with my scars(as in he finds them exotic and not just well I guess I'll just deal with them). I look back at all the times I've been around all types of men as in social classes and races and none have ever remotely been interested in me not even as a friend. All my interactions and horrifying experiences have always been with the low end of the pool with a bunch of sorry-losers who were prying on my desperation to find someone. Also, I question if I even deserve to be chosen by such a great man, when someone as sweet and loving as my mother never got rewarded with a great man either. I know we are not to compare ourselves to anyone, but I messed up more in my walk with Christ than my mom did and if she didn't mess up like I did and she still got a crappie partner then what could I possibly hope for after I deliberately had a long period of backsliding. I know that's not how it works, because God is a God of forgiveness and redemption, but I do question it and think about all of it. Lastly, I know we have to have faith in the things we ask of God, but I also know His perfect will in the end is the last say and if that's not His plan for my life I can't change anything.
In twenty days from now, I will be officially thirty-four years old and that will be bittersweet because I am happy to celebrate another beautiful year of life, but also it is a heart-breaking reminder of how I am yet to be married and have children. I also know I am not like in this moment ready to say I do, because I am not financially ready and obviously from all this blogging got emotional scars to be healed too. However, it wouldn't hurt to at least have my future husband in my life as a friend at least. And before you say, well maybe he is already in your life as a friend and you just don't know it yet. Nope, absolutely no! I have zero friends right now and that is the ultimate truth. All I have is former classmates, brothers/sisters in Christ (which I never socialize with outside of church), coworkers, and social media followers.
Well, that was deeper than I expected to get into, but apparently I needed to say it out loud. I share these things to show my vulnerability, but also to prove my credibility with being genuine and real about the things I talk about. I clearly don't have it all together, but I do press forward hoping for a greater future and more success to give God Praise for again and again. No matter what my God is a Good God and even though it is hard to understand His ways sometimes in our humanity, I rather be confused about understanding the why of certain things than have no hope in knowing one day I will understand the why of His plan. Okay let me let you go now, I am sure you've been more than enlightened and entertained and now it is time to get back to work. Thank you for reading my humble blog and remember "You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes and you have a purpose in life."
Feel free to subscribe, like, repost, share and comment a feedback!!!! For more great content use the one and only #amilikey on all your social media.
Love,
Xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
Ana :)
No comments:
Post a Comment