Hey beautiful people, how are you all doing? I'm just here trying to seize the moment and add one more blog to my 50 quota goal for this year. I wish I could be a fast type writer, but unfortunately my hands are small and I just can't go faster than top 50 wpm. So sometimes I do become hesitant to typing up a good blog because I already know it's going to take me a minute as in a long time, and I also get slightly frustrated with the constant basic errors in typing the faster I go. In this moment, I'm actually utilizing my phone so I'm texting out this entire blog and it definitely helps a lot, but doesn't feel like the usual blogging vibe when I sit at my desk to type on the laptop.
Anyways, that was all nonrelevant info y'all didn't need to hear. Major Lol. Moving on to today's hot, juicy, spicy topic of the day: I am sexy and I know it!!! Major Lol. Yes, I was referencing that one song. I have a semi long list of bad past relationships which I have shared about 60% of all the stories. When I say relationships, it's not even like actual serious relationships either, the ones where the guy claimed you as his real girlfriend. Alright, so out of all the dreadful experiences with these guys, there definitely is one I've avoided talking too much detail about, because he and I lasted the longest in this non-serious relationship which started out as friends and progressed to friends with benefits towards the end. I nicknamed him RJ3 in my journaling, so that's how I'll reference him to preserve like always his identity.
I'll do my best to summarize the entire duration of our past relationship. So, it all began before I even remotely thought it could ever happen. Back in my teenage years, I attended my local hometown church which was mainly comprised of Hispanics not from South America as am I. One summer, a new family joined our church with a few youth of their own, and I first I was a bit hesitant to approach given their demeanor. I initially felt a physical attraction to one of the brothers and ended up going to high school with him and another brother. I tried to get close to him, but the gossip of me liking him blew up in my face and he never spoke to me again. Eventually he left and I moved on to another teenage crush. I made it to my freshman year in college, at this time Facebook was just beginning to get a lot of traction and popularity-- so I stumbled upon one of the brothers Facebook page. I had seen pictures of him and his wedding, so I genuinely just wanted to congratulate him. He and his other brother had a similar nickname, so I assumed I was messaging the brother who had gotten married, and since he didn't have a picture I just assumed.
A few days, passed by and I got a reply back to my surprise telling me it wasn't who I thought I had messaged, but RJ3 stating he was the other brother. RJ3 at first sounded so nice and humble --- I was so naive to his true character of manipulation. We chatted a few times until he asked me to meet up with him in person. At this point in my life, he didn't understand or realized I was still in my sheltered point of view and I literally was just beginning to experience some form of freedom. When I graduated high school and began community college, it was a drastic change for me in terms of having the freedom to choose when and where I would go. In high school, I never ever ventured out on my own, if I wasn't in school I was always with my family. So, when I got to college, it felt weird but also so nice to have the choice to go places unsupervised and without asking for permission ( I always still reported my whereabouts, but still it was all so new to me). Now, with that being explained, the thought of hanging out alone with a guy was terrifying to me and unexpected. Also, I was not completely oblivious to his past repertoire of bad behavior either. So, initially I automatically declined to meet up with him and he immediately stopped talking to me.
Again, several months pasted by from that initial interaction. It's important to mention he said, "You're the true definition of beautiful and I could fall in love with you" those were his words from the beginning. I of course didn't believe him for a second, but they did have some type of effect on me throughout the next couple of years. I suffered a severe mental illness in 2014 and at the end of the year right around stupid holiday season, I literally out of nowhere started to think about him and wanted to reach out to him desperately. So, I eventually contacted him and went to visit him for the very first time since we first chatted online years prior. I'll never forget that day, he came out of his room shirtless and said my name with a smile (more likely a smirk). RJ3 was worried his bike would get wet because it was about to start raining and in my head I'm thinking wow he is a Harley rider --- as in a motorcycle. It was an actual regular bike and I laughed inside. We spent the rest of the afternoon mainly just small talking, and of course he brought up my old crush on his brother. I reassured him it was all in the past, and I had no feelings for him now. Eventually we kept seeing each other, mainly me coming over his house probably 2 or 3 times a week, because at this time I wasn't working or in school. The highlight of this period between us was my very first ever physical touch from a guy. Before RJ3, I had never held hands with anyone, I had never ever remotely cuddled with anyone either. So these small physical gestures to him were nothing, but to me they were monumental and unreal. I had never been asked in school or college to dance, go out on a date, or even asked for my number-- so I always felt unwanted and rejected by men. In my stupid, naive, desperate mind, I genuinely thought, maybe he could fall into liking me since he is giving me this type of physical affection.
In full disclosure, I slept over his house one night, that's when the cuddling happened as we were watching a romantic movie on the couch just laying right next to him arms and leg wrapped around him. I still remember the damn movie, Safe Heaven by Juliette Huff the ballroom dancer. I never watched that movie ever again because it had that special memory. I honestly thought that night I'd loose my virginity for sure, and I even like suggested it would by body language but he knew I was a virgin and resisted the temptation. I was 24 years old by this time, and that physical contact did something to me I had no idea would lead to the actual jerk who stole my purity a few weeks later. Another few months passed by and we only contacted each other via messages. He had this crazy idea about us moving in together to try to move out of our parents house. He barely had a parttime job at this point and I didn't trust him with something so serious.
Unfortunately, I had one last episode of mental health in 2017 as I tried to take care of a family member without taking care of myself. Yet again, he was the first person I wanted to reach out to after I got better. At the beginning of 2018, I once again met up with him after almost three years of not seeing him. We again, started hanging out from time to time, I had been through so much at this point I began to be reckless. My inner frustration and longing for someone lead me to be course by his actions. RJ3 got me into social drinking, and that spiraled out of control pretty quickly and that lead me to joining a shelter for three months. I wanted to spend more time with him and he only enjoyed my company if we were going out to eat, drink or watch a movie. I struggled for about two years since that time on and off a few weeks in between with him. One night in 2018, after some drinks I was at his place and I basically offered myself to him and this time he didn't ignore me. That marked the beginning of our friends with benefits status. We never like talked about it in terms of like wanting to become that and it always happened spurradictly in the beginning. I always felt guilty and ashamed it happened. He would always acknowledge it was wrong too. I'd say towards the last year, it was more like an unspoken expected physical interaction. At one point, after taking birth control for a few weeks I had a pregnancy scare with him. His reaction was so hurtful, he said, " Well, maybe if it happens then people won't think I'm so shallow because I got you pregnant." It was like his only concern was how people would take it and how they would perceive him, and whether not they would make fun of him for getting me pregnant. I praise God for not allowing that to actually happen. A part of me was obviously excited about the idea of having a baby and becoming a mother, but I was also scared shitless because I knew I'd be doing it all alone with no real support from him. He didn't have a real job and his drinking was only getting worse.
At the very end of our relationship, I'm so thankful I finally put my foot down and told him I wasn't going to keep having sex with him just for the hell of it. He never cared about me, and he never even recognized me as his partner. He was always joking about it and making fun of getting serious. This one time on Valentines day, he grudgingly took me out to eat and paid for the movies. On our way to the movies, he said, " Wouldn't it be funny if I just jumped in front of this traffic in the middle of the road and proposed to you, ask you to marry me and get down on one knee?" I acted like it was all fun and games, but deep down it hurt me to know he never took me seriously. I know at the time, my feelings for him were from a place of loneliness and desperation. In my mind, what I called liking was really just a lustful infatuation to the most high degree. I admit I was hooked on this guy, because of our long history and interaction. Over the last two years, when we were on good terms, we'd literally spend so much time together doing so many different things. Our times playing basketball and going to the movies was so often it felt like normal. We even ended up working together a few times after he introduced me to day labor gigs. That is the reason I reference him as the closest thing I ever had to having a real relationship. One time, he brought it up saying, "You know sometimes you can be in a real relationship without saying it, like you already know but you just don't say it outloud." He always knew what to say, to give me a false sense of hope there could be something more serious between us. So many words and conversations were exchanged between us over the years, but it was always the same: he used me to fill a void in his life of boredom and when I cut him off from sex for good he moved on to the very first broken girl he met. He claimed he really liked her and actually called her his girlfriend, which to me was super hurtful because he never gave me that title, but he barely knew her for less than 24 hours and yet he wanted to date her.
I haven't seen him since his family's wedding I attended with him there back in 2020. I saw him from far away at the store one day, and I panicked instantaneously and swirved my shopping cart so fast to the next aisles to make sure I got away from him. That happened probably about six months ago I can't recall, but obviously that doesn't count. I genuinely don't hold any hard feelings for him, and no matter what I do those memories we share will never be erased. I pray for him by name from time to time, asking God to deliver Him and restore his life so he can stop "killing time" like he always said and start living life. I wouldn't be able to have another season of my life with him in it, even as real friends, because our friend zone had long died. After everything we lived through, it just doesn't feel right trying to establish a friendship and pretending like we didn't go through what we did. I accept his apology if he ever wants to have that closure/healing conversation with me, but apart from that there's no future for us of any kind.
So my cuteness and sexyness lead me to a whole lot of brokenness and heartache. RJ3 remains at the top of my list for people who had a deep impact on my life and who will forever have a sliver of my heart. I always shared my blogs and YouTube videos with him, but as per usual he just made fun of me and never cared for my content. Sometimes I do wonder if he ever reads them or watches my videos, but again why does that even matter? It absolutely doesn't at all. It's just a dumb curiosity of mine. I have to say I am happy that I'm not reminded of him as much as I use to be which is nice, because a lot of things reminded me of him--- especially places I still go to. One final pivotal disclosure, my common phrase I mention at the end of all my blogs, is actually originated because of him. I would always encourage him to do better and to see his potential, so I literally told him one day, " You are not a mistake because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes." I don't say it to keep his memory alive, but to also encourage others and remind them no matter how many times you've failed in life, God has a plan and purpose for you being here!!!! That was my most deepest personal blog, but I don't want to hold back on moving forward and talking about it helps heal my heart. Till next time remember to like, share, subscribe and comment!!!! Follow #amilikey on all your social media too!!!!
Love,
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
Ana ;)
