But I am here now...

    Hey you bloggers of mine!!! At this very moment in time I have to be honest with myself: my blog gets crap views and nobody cares to comment or share. So, what do I have left: a therapeutic outlet for myself and an online public journal. Maybe in another five to ten years this might get at least 100 views per day, but I don't even know what that would mean in the scope of popularity. I always wonder how these other people literally live off just writing blogs, and make enough to live affluently, but it is what it is. 

    The only reason I ever started writing blogs was because I discovered it was free of charge to me and that made it super exciting. I could share my thoughts and experiences with everyone who cares to read it and I was hooked. Yes, I had to restart it, because the original one was deleted about 2 years ago (wish I wouldn't have done that). So, back to the theme of my blog entry, I am here now and there is no going back in time. 

    Do I have regrets? OMG, are you kidding me-- I have more than I can account for!! My regretful moments are so bountiful that it just puts a sad face emoji on my face every time. One would think my regrets are only related to bad choices like going on random dates or waking up with throw-up in your hair, but my regrets go beyond the average "teenage defiance". I look over everything I have been through and I just keep wishing I would have made more profitable choices concerning school and lifestyle choices. For example, as soon as I started community college, I felt some sense of freedom I had never experienced and instead of utilizing it wisely: all I did was waste money on junk food and eating out every day. I had been a good student in high school and was able to earn a bright futures scholarship among others; thus providing the funds to purchase lunch & snacks every day on campus. 

    I could have been so much smarter and just purchased a lunchbox and made lunch to bring to college and saved probably half of all the money I had spent during those semesters. I could have used that extra money and just gotten the damn mother ephen license that has me tormented now. I knew I needed it, but I just kept putting off saying : what's the point of having a license if I don't have a car to drive, so I'll just wait to graduate and get a "great- paying job". I couldn't have been more stupid if I tried. It was this very basic skill that kept me from so many opportunities and limited the very object of my schooling which was to be employed. I thought in 2014 I was going to conquer this skill once and for all and again I failed miserably. I did the book smart portion and went down to the DMV and got the learners license with no problem. During that summer I had planned to finally land some type of part-time work to fund my driving lessons and bam I would finally move on with my life, but no that's not what happened at all. I suffered a horrible episode of illness that lasted the whole summer and it derailed me from my goals. 

    I obviously haven't given up on this damn basic skill that makes me feels so incompetent and less of an adult -- not that I even feel like an adult. In 2015, I again was focused on employment, so I again attempted to do a technical diploma thinking that would be a easier way to be employed -- again I failed. This course was not technical because it required passing a Florida board exam for physical therapy assistant, and I was only able to get through the preliminary courses to apply to get into the program. I had already run out of funds because this school was a private one and given my extensive years in college financial aid had already been exhausted. Somehow I was able to go back to finish up the very last credits I needed for my B.A in 2016 and again was on the waiting game for employment. The following year at 27 years of age, I finally landed my very first employment and it was both exciting and embarrassing to think it took me this long for a mere part-time at a mom & pop small business. 

    The struggle continued as I searched for another job, in 2018 I was enrolled in technical school for MOA (medical office administration) and worked a few months as a housekeeper at a local hospital. I thought for sure after finishing my externship, I was going to be employed easily and finally have that sense of financial stability I longed for, but nope that didn't happen either. I stupidly gave up my hospital job to complete my externship and after I worked at that office for free as an intern -- no hire, no referral, and no nothing. I landed a MOA job around April of 2019 that also didn't last because that office was a fiasco and they were taking advantage of me. So why am I summarizing my work history? To highlight that I regret listening to my damn school counselors back in high school thinking a 4 year degree would solve all my problems. 

    I am not against going to college, what I hate now more than anything is to compare everyone's individual situation to a straight path into higher education. The basic life skills are crucial to being able to move forward as a productive adult. I didn't have those basic skills as a high school senior and I didn't know how much I needed them until I didn't have them. So I regret not taking the time to look at technical options given my financial necessity to obtain license, car and independence. I wish I would have selected a medical technical option straight out of high school, but instead I sought after that glorious university diploma. Perhaps even focusing on getting a mediocre job first until I got the basics and saved up some money to start college. My mother only feared that if I began making money I wouldn't want to go back to getting a higher education. 

    There you have it, just some of the other things I regret not doing in the right order and at the right time. Now, all I can do is be grateful I had the "college" experience for whatever it is worth or owed, because some will never have access to higher education no matter how hard they try. I honestly say because I haven't reaped the results of my degrees: it makes it very hard to appreciate what I have accomplished. Let me even go one more layer deeper into the before and after. I was born in a third world country of Colombia and I lived very differently than I do here in Florida. I was one of those who experienced the true scarcity of basic every day living conditions. At that time, I didn't think much of it because I was just a kid growing up. Now, I remember it and I am left with an awe sensation of the drastic contrast of what little I had compared to now. I lived most of my childhood viewing a medium size room as the bedroom, dining room , and living room all at once. The thought of having a full room to myself seemed quite lavishing; running hot water; a washer and dryer ; a kitchen full with appliances; it is all these things I never thought of as the basic standard norm. 

    All in all, I know I haven't gone very far in life in terms of success, but viewing my life as a whole there has been progress. I haven't thrown in the towel anymore, because at one point in my life I had done so thinking there was no more reason to keep going. I will do better in weeks to come, and the things I still hope for will become a reality. Giving up doesn't do anything for me and there are many people depending on me to move forward. I shall overcome the stupid decisions I have made in the past that have stagnated my progress. My story will not end in status quo nor in ordinary bare minimum. I will make a difference in this lifetime, and it is not with popularity or millionaire status. 

    You screwed up, you dug yourself a whole, you did wrong by those that love you: so now it is your turn to let go of the past mistakes and push forward. You do matter and although you most likely screwed up with the timeline of your purpose, it is not a final cut to start that which God made you for in this life. Clearly, you are not alone, just look at my hot mess of a timeline: from then to now I will continue my journey to fulfillment in life. 

        Love, xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

        - Ana :) 

# amilikey 

        

No Daddy for me

    Yo, Yo, what's new? I know everyone will be celebrating Father's Day at the beach tomorrow -- how awesome to those that can do so, but as for me it's just another day of the week. A cruel reminder of what I have never had and will never have so long as I live. Let's dive in and explore as to how this is my reality. 

    For starters: what is a REAL father? A MAN ( a woman will always be a mother period) who is a care-taker; one who provides financially; one who loves his kids with actual care and quality time spent with them; one who disciplines with maturity and not mental or physical abuse; one who teaches and provides counsel for all of life's episodes, and the one people tend to disassociate: having and giving RESPECT to their child's mother. This is the man who can claim true fatherhood; those that merely pay the government a child support check to the DCF so they don't end up in jail are NOT to be recognized as a real father. Now, let's also be mindful that there are a lot of men out there thinking that because they are the sole breadwinner that they are not responsible for changing dirty diapers, brushing their toddlers teeth, bathing the young ones, cooking and helping clean when he is at home. Every parent -- both mother and father -- are equally responsible for all of that child's care from beginning till he moves out on his own. 

    I was one of the unfortunate ones to have known who my biological father was and who he was as a bare financial supporter. My biological father only cared to provide the very minimum so that I and my sibling wouldn't die. He never showed any real love and care for us growing up until they (my parents) finally separated for good. All the memories I have of him are with a negative connotation, and he rejected my hugs as a eight year old when I was living away from my mom and felt homesick. I honestly can't even remember a time when my "father" told me that he loved me, nor did he care about how I felt or how I was doing in school. Like the very few months I was in his full care and he picked me up from school: all he would say was are you hungry and I gotta go back to work after I drop you off at home. In the mornings, he would drop me off super early before the school technically opened so I had to wait in the main office until they actually opened up the cafeteria to eat the free breakfast provided by the school. I had to go to after-school "daycare" in the playground of the school and there I had to starve until it was time to go home around 6PM. He never gave me any money to buy at least from the snack room until I either begged for $1.00 dollar or saved up from folding the laundry. 

    After I came back for the last time to reside permanently with my mother in the states: my "father" basically washed his hands from seeing me as his daughter and his responsibility. I didn't receive any financial assistance from the age of eleven moving forward. All I got from him was one crappie sweet fifteen birthday card with $75.00 that was from him and my godfather so technically he only gave me less than $40.00 for my sweet fifteen birthday (which is suppose to be a very big deal for Hispanic culture) and I am not making this about the money. He had plenty of money to gift to me on my special day, and more importantly the connection was totally lost. He knew how to reach me but never made an effort to call me at least once a week or damn at least once a month if it really was that costly. Letters were always an option, writing emails was another avenue he could have used to stay in touch with me, but he choose not to. 

    Same thing happened after I graduated high school and when I graduated from college: he only called me to use me for the millionth time to see if he could get a letter from the college campus requesting that he attend the graduation ceremony. He was trying to seek VISA entrance to come back to the states, but it wasn't because he genuinely missed me. The real motivation has always been for being able to work as a mechanic and make lots of money real quick. He has always been a great mechanic truly the best in the industry, but he only made money to sponsor his first love: alcohol. To summarize the last few years of my adult life: he only reached out to me the very last time via messages to ask me to move back to Colombia to take care of him, because he was sick and "alone". He had the audacity after all these years of hard work and true sacrifice in my life to just walk away from all that I've accomplished to take care of him --- after he stopped taking care of me at 11 years old. He thought he could manipulate me into thinking that somehow I was being a bad daughter for not being there for him now, when in fact he never really was there for me. Everything he did in my name was done out of the motivation of what he could gain through exploiting my accident and my physical condition as a burn survivor. Quick example, he would go around asking people for money saying it was for my medical care when he knew damn well Shriners was sponsoring my treatment at no cost to him, and he made a great living as a mechanic he could rack up a $1,000 in one week on the side of his regular salary doing extra work for people that would call him up. 

    So there you have the snip bit of why I can wholeheartedly say that I have no real father. He took care of me only when he was obligated to do so and he didn't do with love or care. He exploited me as a burn survivor to gain people's pity and pockets. I am already thirty, so what father could I possibly look forward to having. All the years that mattered and could have made a difference in my life are all long gone. The idea of having him walk me down the aisle at my wedding is not even a true guarantee as I loose hope I'll ever get married in the next 4 years I have left. After I am 34, my ass ain't getting married because by then I'll be too old to have a healthy baby, and I don't want more than anything to be an old mom either. So if I am not pregnant by 34 then I can't have it by 35 which is the cut off point from a medical stand point. The only thing I have to look forward to is him repenting for his long-sinful life of abuse and neglect not to just me but his over ten kids. I pray that he will be saved and I can at least have one last goodbye and farewell. 

    One of the reasons I look forward to marriage is the absence of fatherhood as well, and let me explain it thoroughly. I don't want to marry a man to be my father, I would hope and pray he was blessed with a real father and that my father-in-law would be that father figure I never had in my life. I don't even know why they call it father-in-law, but it seems nice to have a male figure who you could talk to about your personal life and know he is truly there to support you and care for you. Currently, I have a stepfather and I had him since I was twelve, but he never stepped up either so I was again left without a real father. My stepfather has only been a financial supporter and I appreciate that, but I needed much more than that as a person. He is no sunshine either so that doesn't help. He has been verbally abuse throughout my life and twice became physically abusive my striking me out of anger over something I did no wrong. So, I just avoid him as much as possible and keep my distance, because there's no point in giving him any confidence because he back stabs you with a blink of an eye metaphorically speaking. 

    In conclusion, I have no reason to celebrate father's day tomorrow or perhaps never in the near future. I will always miss that part of my life being empty and filled with sorrow, but I pray for the fathers out there that still have small children: may they be all that they need them to be with true love and care. May the fathers to be embrace such life changing blessing and know that there are those that never have that opportunity to be a father even if they desire it. Happy Father's Day to the real fathers that love their children in more ways that can even be described through sacrifice and hard work. God Bless the man that takes full responsibility for his own seed and the seed that others neglected too. 

I'm done sharing for now, so remember you have purpose with or without a father in this lifetime. 

        XOXOXOXOOXOXo,

            Ana :)

#Amilikey