Hello Nobody!!! I have mentioned this before, but let me reiterate that based on my stats nobody cares about what I have to say or share on my humble blog. So, that actually motivated me to let it all out and speak even more openly. I know we are not to be lead by our emotions because it is not a wise thing to do. However, I am also not going to ignore or deny how I really feel inside. On that note let me provide a great example: at work I answer the phone all day as part of my assignment as a FOS in the medical field. Sometimes, people actually cordially ask me how are you? and I respond like a robot "good", because 1.) I can't actually tell a stranger how I am actually doing and deviate from the primary reason as to why they called the office (to seek information for work); 2.) I can't tell them I am actually working in pain because my wisdom tooth is coming out like a train and now I need oral surgery for extraction; 3.) Even if I shared that part it's not like they would care and again that is not the response they were looking for anyways.
I did not expect to need wisdom tooth removal since I am already in my 30s and most people deal with that in their early or mid 20s, so I figured I was good for life. Wrong!!!!! My dental insurance does not cover the procedure completely and it is going to cost me almost $400.00 dollars out of pocket for the anesthesia. At this moment in time I lacked that amount of money so I had to push my oral surgery till next Friday and suffer this pain and annoyance for another week while working full time. I know many people work with pain each and every day, but I did not want to be one of them (yet here I am).
To top it all off, after my other specialist appointment I also found out I need two more procedures to deal with my other health issues. The work I do is half and half to be honest: which means I do enjoy helping patients each and everyday, but I do not feel a complete sense of satisfaction with my line of duty because I want to do more. I also feel nobody genuinely recognizes how hard I truly work given the long list of assignments I am responsible for; they say they do appreciate it but that is just in saying. The point of this statements goes to explain as to why I do not want to take off of work for these procedures. We are short staffed because of corporate greed and I also can't afford to loose all those hours of payment. So, it is gonna be a sucky situation all around for me. I love working for the patients, but I would prefer being able to be of more help at work with everything not just the clerical aspect.
Apart from those health issues that came unexpectedly in my current timeline this week, I am also reflecting on how I have absolutely nobody I can count on for moments like these outside my angel aka my mommy. She is the only person who cares about me in every aspect of my life and even takes it too far for me doing anything. My mommy loves me like any other mother would love her child, but her love for me is deeper because she almost lost me forever at one point and has seen me at my lowest point in life. So, I am deeply grateful for her and her unconditional love for me I am, but I also wish there was someone else in my life I could rely on and count on.
Reflecting back on my life, I now accept the truth of the matter: I have never had friends I can count on; which translates to the sheer fact they were never my real friends. All the people that ever befriended me were in it for the convenience it brought them and the number one reason they all did it: BOREDOM!!!! If you think I am exaggerating, you are wrong because I have asked several people why they called me or were hanging out with me? Their only response was always the same, "I was bored and wanted someone to talk to" so of course that's when they thought of me. They all lied about wanting to help me even when they were able and capable. Another great example: the one person I labeled as my best male friend saw me the day before his wedding and did not have the common courtesy to invite me! Obviously, I had no intention on going because I have never met his now wife and he and I have grown apart several years ago, but it still hurt me to know I was not invited to his special day. After he has stated in the past I was his female best friend that I was like a magnet hard to get rid of but always connected again. He said I was one of those rare friends you never find in life and all this other bull-crap that clearly meant nothing.
I have always been there for people when they needed me, but who has been there for me when I needed someone ? NOBODY!! (Other than my angel & some faith family) I have never fit in anywhere since my tragic accident happened. My own DNA relatives have never made me feel a part of the family. My cousins only reached out to me when they needed to practice English and wanted information about coming to the states, but once they arrived here they didn't even take the time to come visit me or ever reached out again. They have done well for themselves and yet never cared to help me when I was in need. I know I am not their responsibility, but I am their bloodline relative and you'd think that your own family would care enough to reach out. My aunts, uncles, and all my cousins say they care about me: but in 32 years of living I have received only one gift from them for my college graduation. They were basically forced and incentivized by my sister because they did not do it on their own. Basically, I had to earn their reward because I graduated college otherwise they would not have sent me that gift as if I in general did not deserve it. Since 2016, they never again reached out to me to say geez here's a small birthday gift or a small gift just because we actually love you and want to show you love.
STOP. I know what you are thinking right now. That somehow my only view of love is a gift, absolutely not; I am referencing both the actual part of being involved in my life by calling me on the phone just to talk. Perhaps, going old fashion and sending me a written letter via email if it is such a hassle to mail one out. My father's side of the family are all doing well financially because they're entrepreneurs and have worked really hard. I am not discrediting that fact ever, (in fact I am very proud of them for that) but they also have enough to once in while reach out to assist me or even my sister.
One subject I also wanted to let loose on is beauty. I ABSOLUTELY HATE when people tell me I am beautiful. It makes me cringe so damn hard that I hate it hate it hate it. I was born beautiful, that is a true statement and the pictures prove it, but the day of my accident my physical beauty was lost too. Why is it so hard for people to accept the truth? If you are not attractive just accept it and move on. Society is so full of crap when they say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" NOOOOOOO MORE LIES!!! Everyone can not be beautiful, because that would most likely be a boring life if we all looked the same basically. If you are beautiful then that's fine, but if you are not then I am sure you have other attributes to be grateful for like intelligence or athletic abilities. Not everyone can play as great as Steph Curry and still look as handsome as he does; some people are more like LeBron a great player with average looks to put it lightly. LeBron does not care he is not recognized for his looks (which he doesn't have ) because he was the only who got to play the role in Space Jam 2. I definitely would have prefer any other NBA player, but you get my point. Physical attraction is not for everyone; so you find what you are good at and enjoy that instead of just good looks.
Yes, it is true good-looking people have an easier life, because everyone automatically likes them because they're pleasing to see. I am happy whenever I see an attractive man (an eye candy) out in public or wherever I am socializing (it is absolutely normal to be pleased by beauty). However, when I see the majority of the ordinary males: I am just like yeah okay just another normal person (no excitement what so ever and life goes on). So what is my point in all of this: I admit and accept I am NOT PHYSICALLY attractive, but I have learned to deal with it as best as I can. Sure, I also admit it would be nice if a man if any man could look at me the way they look at Wonderwoman (the Marvel actress Gadot ). But we all know that is impossible because I have none of her perfect physical features, so you can't force someone to feel attraction to something that isn't there. STOP. I do not have low self-esteem; I am just real and honest with myself not to accept the lies and compliments about beauty towards me. Men are men and they will never see me for me; I am just a temporary carnal stimulation and that is it. Ironically, I used to think I was so undesirable in that aspect that it also hurt me terrible, but now it turns out is it the ONLY thing I am desired for so now it feels even worse than before. It is sad to think nobody has ever had any sentimental feelings towards me ever. I don't know what it is to be liked and wanted as a serious partner. Sure a few liars said the words "I like you", but did they actually mean it? Absolutely not because I am still Miss Gonzalez with no hyphen name of Mrs. -------. Men are truly pigs with no morals when it comes to intimacy, but yet I daydream that I am wrong about dying old and single because it's my female human desire to have that special someone. And more importantly I can't and do not want to be a mother without a being a wife first. So, I long for someone because I want to be a mother and have that part of my life lived out.
I constantly hear from other mothers: my children are the reason I live for and they're all I have. It does not matter whether they went through divorce, whether they're in a crappie marriage, or that life circumstances make it seem like life is falling apart, because their kids make it all worth it. I want to be able to say I have someone to live for other than my mom and siblings. I want to experience motherhood alongside a partner that is my husband. I have also mentioned this before, but everyday that passes I run out of time to make that a reality. So anyways now that I let it all out I can continue my lifetime alone as always.
This blog was extensive, but definitely therapeutic for me and that is all that matters to me. My views will never be profitable, but at least I can process my feelings in a healthy way without getting intoxicated or making bad decisions which I have done in the past (read my other blogs). Nothing I say will ever make a real difference in people's lives, because they all see me in a pitiful "I feel sorry for you" sentiment. Nonetheless, I still won't keep my mouth shut, because I do not want anyone to ever accuse me of not trying to make a difference in life. My generation and these youngsters do not feel a sense of obligation to be a productive member of society, but I know who I am and whose I am and doing nothing is absolutely unacceptable regardless of the criticism I receive.
Last mini paragraph, I care for people I really do, but I do not care in how they see me because I am never going to fit in anywhere. My scars are inevitable, my social status is currently in the lower spectrum, my morals are faith-based, and I do enjoy a good debate with actual higher thinking. I lack my personal transportation and that is an impasse for having friends. Nobody wants to hangout with someone who is dependent on others for transportation. I like to have fun, but I also do not want to part take in everything that society labels as being okay. One of my former college classmates once asked me if I was embarrassed to show off my legs? At that time, I didn't want to accept she was partially right about that, because I always defaulted to covering my legs just to protect them from the sun and any injuries. Now, I accept I was embarrassed to show off my legs because they're severely burnt and scarred. Today, I can say "Shrew it" I wear shorts as often as I can, because people are going to stare at me naturally, so let me give them something extra to stare at me for. That was the last example topic I wanted to share for today. As always, if anyone thinks their life is hard and in total doom: just think of me and receive a little push forward not to give up in life. Humans make mistakes 24/7, but God does not because He is perfect, so you are alive for a reason and a purpose. Do not ask me what it is, because I am still trying to figure out my own. Thanks to anyone who reads it all the way through and you know the rest.
Xoxoxoxoooxoxo,
Ana : )
