Ugly Why #amilikey

 

So apparently I have an undercover fan! They confessed to being behind my blog post reading, and I was like yeahy — it’s more like I am just being chismoso. Either way, I guess I should be grateful one person looks forward to my posts even if it’s just to be in the know. Okay, so this post right here is the hardest to talk about, because I have to reminded of how badly I messed up basically every day in some way or another. I hate having to explain myself, the explanation is not a one sentence response and that is what is so frustrating about the whole ordeal. I hate having to admit that at the age of freaking 34, I do not drive my own car. My license 🪪 is not the regular license, but a permanent license from 2014. 

    I  call it the “ugly why” because it’s something I want to eradicate ASAP and yet it’s still a working progress. Originally, at the normal age of driving when you are a 15 year old teen, I was just a VISA active holder so I didn’t qualify to apply for a learners license. When I did become a permanent resident at the age of 16, I was financially burden with no available income to myself whatsoever. I never signed up for drivers Ed in high school because I didn’t have the $50 dollars they charged to take the class. I also didn’t make the effort to maybe come up with the money through asking someone to donate for a good cause or just something. I always had this stupid concept that if I didn’t have a job, what was the point of having a license if I can’t afford a car. That is the logic that carried me for years. I could have not been more wrong if I tried, and this erroneous concept has left me in this awful current spot. 

The very premise of not driving, is what prolonged and narrowed my commute to find a viable employment to this very day. I struggled finding a job since I got out of high school because I didn’t drive and other lovely factors. I focused on higher education and still I had been seeking part time jobs during my college years and literally nothing came through for me. I finally graduated with a bachelor’s degree and the very essential of not driving deterred many employers from giving me a chance. 

After years and years of applying and having through go through the vocational rehab program, I finally was given a dinky donkey part time office job as an office assistant that basically did meaningless tasks and handled  80% of all the cleaning at all times. It was a rough start, but getting something down on my resume really helped me move forward in the workforce. I recognize I’ve never managed the little income I’ve had in my first few jobs, but once I did save the money to enter a driving school. I was a good driver from day one and the instructor said I wasn’t scared but just liked driving a bit fast. 

  I really thought the first school I paid for would be my crowning achievement, but for some awful forsaken reason the system that allows these schools to book the final road test: would not allow me to test at all. I went directly to the DMV when it happened to clarify everything was good and they checked everything and cleared me. I went back to the school, and yet the same error came back up. I felt so defeated and at the time was in between jobs, so I had no choice but to go back to finding employment. When I again, saved the money I had contacted the DMV and corporate FLHSMV offices and they had reassured me everything had been fixed in the system. I pre paid for 4 lessons including the final road test. I paid a little over 400 for the whole courses. I picked the wrong driving school, they only gave me one complete lesson plus a final practice lesson and then the haunted system, it again prevented me from taking the road test. I literally went home and cried out of shear frustration and anger. 

These corrupt people never reimbursed me for the money of the driving lessons I never got from them. I again, was left high and dry without the rightful opportunity to get my license. I tried a few more times to fix this inconceivable error and the only solution they gave me was just try another school or take the test at the DMV. The whole point of doing it through the school was because I don’t have a car at home I can practice with or take to the DMV to test. 

So every damn time people ask, why don’t you drive? The answer is not that I am scared to drive and it’s not that I can’t afford a damn car. It’s always been the long story I just explained. I haven’t given up and I know I am closer than when I started this nightmare journey. I found one last school who apart from teaching also allows you to borrow their car to take to the DMV to test there and so that’s what I am banking on. I have delayed this process because my sister and I had one open window to see each other this summer and that took a lot of money. I also was working hard to get my CNA license and that also took money and time. So, when people look down on me for not being “normal” and being a driving adult, there is a legitimate reasoning behind it. I haven’t prioritize it when I had the time and money. Now, that I do have the time and money, other things have also taken precedence. 

I will be a driver in the name of Jesus come 2025, I will have my own car that I pay for unless the Lord touches a special someone to gift me a good working condition car. I can’t wait to finally never have to explain this story to anyone else doubting my ability to drive and be a normal adult. I’ll finally have the privilege of traveling and enjoying God’s nature like the beaches and rivers, etc. I just want to be able to do so much more for myself and my family. I want to provide for them a better life style and give them the nice outings they deserve without having to worry about how we are going to get there and back. 

So for those who constantly love rubbing it in my face of “how are you going to get home today?” Stupid ass question when they know my situation, I hope I can finally shut you up for all eternity. It’s one thing to be genuinely concerned and another thing just being petty and aggravating when you know the damn answer. If you aren’t offering me ride, then shut up and don’t worry about my way of traveling from point A to B and C your way out of it. I decline rides from people, because it’s always an interrogation session once you’re in their vehicle and since you can’t be silent because that’s also awkward, there’s no other option other than to respond to questions. Anyways, I’ve been through that whole scenario of people giving me rides and it’s always the same thing. After a few times, it gets old and they start to feel your burden on them. So to avoid all that rhetoric and annoyance, I find my own way around. 

As usual, you’re not a mistake because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes. My fingers hurt from texting all of this but I hope it helps someone in some way. Be thankful, for you Americanized people who have had the right instruction and guidance to adulting. Some people like me just dream and wish they could drive themselves already. Alright, like, share, comment and subscribe. 

Xoxoxooxoxoxo, 

Ana :)