Day Dreaming #amilikey

 

    One of my all time favorite activities to do is daydream. I know it's not exactly healthy because it heightens the expectations of what is real and what is not. I also resort to it as a coping mechanism to the current situations I may be dealing with in my life. I know that in due season what is meant for me  and my life will come to pass but it is hard at times to wait for them to come. 

    I wanted to discuss it because right now I have one or actually two events coming up. As an amateur runner I do participate in a few races throughout the year. In each and every event, I always have this hope that maybe just maybe I might meet someone new that will bring something new into my life. Obviously the first thing I think about is will my future partner perhaps be there and will this be the means by which our love story begins. I know how naïve and hopeful that sounds for something that is not at all guaranteed or probable for me. In the past races, no one has ever even spoken a single word to me, so why would a good-looking man ever approach me and be interested in getting to know me. Clearly, these events are all against me in terms of the social group aspect of being one of the chosen females to approach. Super athletic and pretty girls are out there showing off their perfect bubble butts and long legs; meanwhile I am just showing my scars and little kids size shoes. Also, not to be so critical but the majority of the men out there are either gay and total stuck-up jocks that care more about their appearance than anything else surrounding them. 

    I am excited because one of the events is specifically geared towards Latinos and I've never participated in a specific genre race before so that will be new and different for me. I hope at the very least that considering that these are my people we will have more things in common to bond over and perhaps I might actually make a pen pal. Hopefully I will experience some of that warmth I've been missing out on since I am no longer in Colombia and in large Latino gatherings. But back to the daydreaming part, I do create a whole scenario of who I might meet at these events and how they will be so fond of me and keep in touch. I imagine them falling in love with me and becoming my best friends (which I have none and I have been friendless for quite some time). To be even more honest that is why I talk so much when I am at work because I have no one to talk to in real life other than my immediate family (and even that is not enough because there are certain things they can't relate to me on). When I thought I had real friends, they often criticized my knowledge and never appreciated me for me. It was nice having someone to talk to but in retrospect, they never fulfilled that need I had to relate to someone going through my same hardships and experiences. More than anything I hope I get to see nice people and have a healthy good run in each of the events. 

    My last little two cents is I need to post more blogs because I am so far away from my 50 posts goal for this year. I only have I think it was 14 blogs posted this year and we are way past the mid-year mark; which means I am definitely so far behind. I have gotten better in terms of not overdoing the daydreaming, but it is like that bad habit you try to break and it is very enticing and addictive. It requires very little effort and I can daydream anywhere- mainly when I am by myself or in a quite environment. It also helps pass the time and it really gets me emotional to where I smile and like enter a zoned out face as if I was watching an actual movie. I pray the people that are meant to be in my life will arrive sooner than later, and I won't have to resort to daydreaming about having a social life anymore but I will actually get to live it out. 

    Alright, thank you for tuning in one more time to this humble blog. As always, " You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes." Make sure you like, share, subscribe, and leave a comment - even if it's to criticize my writing - anything at this point would be nice to be acknowledged for once!!!

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana :)

  

Bad Jefes #amilikey

 

Hello mi gente!!! So as I browse the LinkedIn page I read a lot of posts regarding what makes a good boss and everything to do with leadership. 

I’m thankful 🥹 I haven’t had too many bosses in my lifetime because I started my adventure in the workplace until I was 27. It hurts me to know I literally had to wait that long to be acknowledged as a potential and reliable employee. Now, with that in mind the only good thing is I never had to start working at a fast food restaurant or a retail store like 99% of the teenage population. 

Let me see I’ve had an estimate of 7 different bosses not including the labor pools which constantly rotated and obviously were a daily assignment. Out of those 7 primary bosses in part time and full time jobs only two were just 😫😫😫🙄🙄🙄🫤🫤🫤 bad. The first one ironically was my first bad encounter. She was younger than me at the time, and thought I couldn’t take orders because the age difference to which I specifically told her and I quote, “ If a two year old was in charge of the activity I would have no problem listening to them.” What made her a bad boss was her lack of trust in all her employees (3) to do as she asked with just one simple request. She had to monitor the progress every 5 minutes and she had to imply that there was only one way to get things done and that was her way. This bad boss literally had a written process for every little task like someone wasn’t coherent. The general concept of writing out step by step instructions in getting something done is not wrong, but when you have to step by step how to print labels and have a freaking checklist to do what was suppose to be a “small cleaning” —- damn that’s annoying!!!! 

She was a horrible boss, because she had incoherent expectations of what my tasks were as a “administrative assistant” (which was just a fancy title for office cleaning lady/making coffee, shred, copy, stamp, mail) and one day she actually got mad at me for now washing her damn coffee cup that she kept at her cubicle and not at the sink. So she really thought that after doing the daily cleaning and washing the dishes at the sink that I too would go around picking them up. I did text her once at the very beginning of me working there she was the best but it was a total lie and I totally kissed her butt. I didn’t know what to text back because that was another annoying thing that she constantly texted me asking me dumb questions and constant monitoring before she got to work, after she left, after I left and it was super aggravating. 

The straw that broke the camel’s back was actually the lack of respect they had for me there altogether. It was a small mom and pop small business, but they discriminated against me because I didn’t have my own MOT and never offered me full-time even though clearly I needed in order to get my MOT. MOT stands for mode of transportation it’s just a fancy way of saying my own car. Once they transferred to a new location, the original “small cleaning” turned into almost 2 hours every day plus a whole 4 hours on Wednesdays and I was feed up with the expectation that I had to complete the cleaning and the office tasks within a 5 to 6 hour shift. I worked for them for four consecutive months and what did I get in return from them: nothing. I was a professional already with a bachelors degree from a real university and they treated me like a coffee and donut cart vendor. They never cared to ask for my input on how to improve things and participate on the more meaningful aspects of the job. The only good thing that came of it was starting my resume timeline. 

The second horrible boss I had truly takes the cake. She number one did not deserve or earn her position at the clinic I was working. She only was placed there because she had a friend in the company who basically put her there. She never met the basic standards for healthcare in regards to being aware and prepared for being in healthcare. I had my medical office administration certificate when I applied and I also had experience working in healthcare as a volunteer and in general. This lady didn’t even know the difference between Medicaid and Medicare. She was a micromanaging freak to say the least. Literally every 5 to minutes she was giving dumb orders that were already implied. I thank the Lord I’m not blind and my peripheral vision is intact. Every time a patient was being discharged and approaches the front desk, I know that they need their discharge papers and I can hear the printer going off. And even then, she still had the audacity just to annoy me and give orders, “ Can you grab the papers off the printer and give them to the patient.” I am aware and you don’t have to say every single time. That is like telling me “make sure you close the door when you use the bathroom” — like it’s an obvious self explanatory thing that doesn’t need to be mentioned!!! 

I could not stand her way of approaching me with tasks and insinuating that the poor customer service rating were my fault. When clearly it was already a poor establishment lacking everything. She was so annoying with her loud mouth and random screams. Truth be told, if she hadn’t resigned to go back to her industry I was on the verge of quitting myself. She made being at work unbearable and frustrating. She acted like she knew so much about management because she had worked for over 20 years at a toy store as a manager. How in the world do you compare managing a toy store with something as delicate and complex as a medical health facility. As soon as she left, we all had a sense of relief and our scores were the highest they’ve ever been and it wasn’t because of her and what she did. I pray for the current employees under her management because I already know what they’re dealing with. No one is perfect, but certain people like her could really reevaluate her way of managing and constantly belittling people with her smart ass remarks. She always prioritize her needs and wants over anyone else: like making me come in for 3 stupid hours on a day I had already requested my 5 hours of PTO which technically hadn’t been updated just so she could go get her damn nails done. It was my family members surgery and had it not been schedule in the afternoon I definitely would have not made it in. She literally threatened me to write me up if I didn’t come in because allegedly I didn’t have enough hours to cover my whole shift. She did write me up two others times for bogus claims that I needed to improve customer service because one angry customer said something even though they never mentioned my name or described anything out of the ordinary. I truly deserve a price for enduring so much at that clinic for two years in a row. 

Anyways I just wanted to share my bad bosses and reiterate that the best kind of leadership is one where trust is given from the boss to his or her employees without questioning their capabilities to perform the job (because why hired them if you doubt they could do anything right). When you are a leader, you lead with example of being kind, prompt, and respectful to everyone’s situation. A leader is someone who aids others to be successful and not in competition to make them feel less than yourself. As always don’t forget “You are not a mistake because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes.” Thank you for reading come share, comment, like!!! 

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana :) 

Summer Updates #Amilikey

 

    So my people I’ve been doing really good overall!!! I as always wish more people viewed my content on this blog, but for various reasons I know that audience is dormant for now. I am currently eagerly waiting for my shift change to come to pass at work. When I first signed on, I had no idea becoming a full time night owl would harm my health the way it has thus far. And before you make the wrong assumptions, let me just pin point what I am referring to: my glucose level is too high or on the incline. I had my annual physical and my A1C is at a 6.0 which is pre-diabetic range. My PCP gave me an ultimatum of either starting meds or improving my A1C in four months with diet and exercise. I said absolutely not going to take meds for something I can improve and get under control. I do admit I love food and excess portions of it obviously does harm to anyone, but eating at night when you’re suppose to be sleeping has had an impact on my glucose for sure. 

   I also miss enjoying the morning sunrise and having my morning routine to do my training and whatever else my precious heart desires. I want to be able to not miss what is happening during daylight hours within my family and in general. So I am just waiting with all my heart to get release from this schedule and onto a normal schedule. Apart from playing the waiting game of life, I just thought I’d use updates as a general topic to blog about for this post. I signed up for another run this year, which is really exciting because I thought I was done for this year at least. I didn’t know of any other run happening that I’d like to be a part of because obviously there are runs going on all the time. I just have a very nice tuned selection for when it comes to participating in races. I have to agree with the cause and enjoy supporting the group holding the event. I am going to make a three day weekend out of it, so that’s super exciting as well. Unfortunately, I already know I’m not meeting my Prince Charming at this event. I won’t make any new connections or meet anyone I can get excited about at all. I already know how it’s going to go down. People will stare and gaze for long periods of time out of amazement that someone with so many scars on her skin could attempt a race this long (5 miles). They will barely say hi or nod and that will be it. Maybe, just maybe someone will briefly chat me up out of the “I feel so bad for her” sentiment and that’s it. I wish I could say, “I am going to run with my family or friends.” I wish I had someone to share the experience with, but no one will be there with me as per usual and no one will be there cheering me on as I cross the finish line. The downside about these social events, but at least I will be thrilled to advance my ultimate goal to prepare for that once in a lifetime marathon. I will also be so happy to have completed a new challenge and successfully finished the race without stopping or walking — just slow running or jogging. 

      On a more semi lighter note, as I scrolled through my past blogs — I thought it would be nice to go on a second coffee date with someone new. Unfortunately, the reality of that happening is a 100% negative, because I’d be doing myself a disfavor for seeking something that always goes wrong. No matter what kind of date I’d sign up to go on, the outcome would always be the same due to my circumstances. It makes sense, and it hurts but I can’t deny it to understand their point of view. If I don’t fit the basic criteria, then what is the point in investing their time to build something I’m not prepared for. Obviously, there is also that hopeful view that perhaps it wouldn’t kill them to be part of the help I’ve always wanted to get me to the place where I am eligible and ready for solid foundation. Well, men don’t want to be a part of the upbringing or assistance in getting to that point. I wouldn’t mind helping someone if I had the resources to get them there, but of course I am a different class of person. I would help anyone no matter who they were and what they have done. I understand that awful feeling of being left behind and not included in so many aspects — even when it doesn’t relate to dating and a romantic relationship I am still going to help. So my point of reference is that no matter how much I’d love to enjoy another coffee date, the person would just be disappointed and dissatisfied with all my lack of resources. My personality wouldn’t make them feel better and they would just look down on me like everyone has in the past. I also just want the experience of going on another date so I can blog about it. Major Lol. 

Alright, well I think I’ve given you micro audience enough updates for now. As always, “ You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes.” Allow yourself to open your heart and mind to Jesus Christ and begin to experience change in your life!!! 

Thank you for reading my humble blog and stay tuned for more down the road. Feel free to like, share, subscribe, and leave a comment!!! 

Xoxoxoxo, 

Ana 

Wordpress move? #amilikey

 

 

Greetings my beautiful and beloved bloggers!! I want to thank you for your generous support throughout the years. I have been debating starting my blogging on a new platform and just leaving this one active for the remainder of the time. I have worked really hard to gain a new audience on this google blogspot website, but I haven’t had much progress. Perhaps, in the new domain of WordPress, I can reach a broader spectrum of people worldwide. I am also enjoying my new refurbished laptop I purchased a few weeks back and that has also motivated me to post more blogs.  

I have been a writer since an early age back in elementary school, when I would write in my personal diary almost daily. I enjoy writing because it allows me to speak my mind without anyone cutting me off or rebuttal given onto me. Now, as a grown adult I have discovered that writing reaches many people in need of hearing a motivating voice. Trials and tribulations have made me a stronger person and have enabled me to help others along the way. I do not presume to know it all and be miss perfect; however, I can be a witness to the overcoming of hurdles most wouldn’t want to endure to begin with at all. I just saw a very cool video on LinkedIn that highlighted the importance of going through the rough patches in life: when we go through life in a monotonous route, we take longer to reach of destination versus going in an upward and downward motion we arrive there a lot faster than in a linear setting. People see me smile all the time, and it is a genuine smile, but that smile was gained by paying a price [enduring hardships no one will ever be able to relate to exactly how I lived it].  

I encourage each one to reach out for help no matter the small struggle or doubt you may be facing today. The only way to make it out of hard times is to utilize all the aids available to you. I know teachers and employers always say, “There is no such thing as a dumb question” and I say, “There is no trouble worth not talking about it or seeking help for it.” So be encouraged today and remember, “You are not a mistake because God is perfect, and He cannot make mistakes!” As always make sure you like, share, subscribe and leave a comment below!! Come follow my Instagram for more exclusive content.   

 

 

Xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo,  

 

Love,  

 

Ana 😊    

Youth Reunion #amilikey

 

Hi everyone!!!!! So today well now technically yesterday was a very special day for me. I have been wanting to see my youth group from my early teen years and obviously could have never imagined it the way it happened. Although it was only a few people and not the whole group, it was still very nice and getting to catch up after all these years was very heart-warming. Our beloved pastor which we grew up, he finally finished his race with endurance and we came together at his funeral. 

     The majority of the people gathered there were his family members, but it is these same people I recall like family to me. I hadn’t seen them in years and to see them all grown up from when they were just kids is remarkable. Most of them are married and with kids of their very own now. Embracing someone you’ve known most of your life and have so many fawned memories with is just so special. Hopefully 🤞 this gathering can serve for a greater purpose of reuniting us and even reunited them as a large family too. It’s crazy to think that once a upon a time you didn’t think much about them, because people grow up and make a life of their own and here you are seeing them again and falling in love with that agape love you have always known. One person in particular really left an impression on me— he definitely looked so different than the memory I had of him but in a good way. To discover he has done so well for himself is also so good to hear and being able to talk to him in that loving manner was just so nice. We are a few years in separation and I never would have expected him to be so open to a conversation and to embrace the moment. Chatting with him was definitely worth the coming in early for the memorial service. I hope I get the opportunity to see him and his family again. Perhaps I’ll be invited to his wedding or invited to hangout in a group setting to keep bonding in fellowship. 

     I believe it would be super epic to have a total youth reunion with the rest of the people I grew up with in church. They were a huge part of my life and it would be a beautiful thing and a blessing to be able to come together again after all these years. I know we all have our differences and separate lives, but we share something special in common and we should embrace that unique bond that binds us all. I was thinking perhaps a weekend event where we rented a large airB&B and hired a small team of childcare workers to also include the family’s children. I know that sounds too expensive and exaggerating, but in order to have the youth that are now all adults be able to share and bond we need that no kids zone time. I’d obviously come up with a great hour by hour itinerary to ensure we make the most of the 3 days. I’d plan fun/creative activities to do and make sure everyone felt comfortable and included!!! It is possible and with appropriate planning/budgeting this youth reunion can become a reality. I pray 🤲 this blog comes forth a reality in the near future and that those who need to be reminded of God’s love can be reached through this post. As always, “ You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes.” Remember to live with passion and love people in your life while they are still here. Thank you for your support and remember you can always subscribe, share, like and comment too!!!! 

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,  

Ana 🥹 

Cartagena, Colombia in 2024 #Amilikey

     

    Wow I did it!!!! So this is super special for me in every sense of the word. I never imagined it would be possible given where I am financially and in my personal journey. I have yet to start my many projects and goals, so to add this in the middle of those ongoing things was a lot for me to take on, but I did it. It was also bitter sweet given that I traveled alone and my precious mom was robbed of reuniting with her first born child. I have been hesitating from going to Colombia for that same reason that I didn't want my mom to feel bad for not having the opportunity to visit and see her daughter of over 23 years of separation. I also felt bad my brother also could not fly either and I would only be seeing my sister and not the rest of my family. For those that have been following my journey, you guys know well I am not scared of anything - because God's perfect love cast out fear!!! However, we are called to be smart about are decisions and with that in mind I wanted to avoid my father at all costs. He is known for being a criminal and wanting to seek entire into the US at all costs and one of those options would be to falsify documents with original ones (mine). So I was absolutely not taking that chance, he would immediately inquire about letting him see my US passport and attempt to replicate the document or whatever. 

    I know this sounds bizarre, but when you know the person and what they are capable of doing then you are on red alert. I do not trust my own biological father with a penny. He has lied to me his whole life and he was neglected me as a daughter and never cared for my genuine well-being. He always put his interest before my actual needs, and that is exactly how he was revoked VISA in the first place- by overstaying his VISA for over two years just to make money (money that I barely ever received as parental support). My father is an alcoholic from childhood and he has his own trauma from an abusive father as well, but he choose to follow in his footsteps instead of breaking free from that type of toxic parenting or lack of parenting. Overall, I didn't feel comfortable being in his presence with his history and I knew that would also make it harder on my mom's peace and sanity to know I was in harms way. My sister and I choose to meet each other far away from our home town and reunite in the beautiful city of Cartagena. At first, I wanted to visit a place where I could see the river and ocean view too, but unfortunately that made it much harder to select a location with both options. The time frame and budget was also limited so we had to settle for one city and a few tours. 

    I am so happy I was brave enough to make this trip happen despite the limited resources. I took out a small loan to cover the final expenses - yes it is true, but with my current job I am able to repay back that small loan with installments that fit my budget. I thank the Lord for my new job schedule that also made this trip possible, I only had to take two days of PDO versus 7 if I had the basic Monday thru Friday schedule I used to have. I landed in Colombia at night and it was also hot and humid, but the night lights and atmosphere of my people was so heart-warming. I truly miss being around my people my Colombians for sure for sure. They are so respectful, loving, courteous, and polite that it was the best part of being there the whole time. I was able to greet everyone with a smile and a "good morning" that radiated happiness and joy without having to beg them to speak to me -- it was an automatic response everywhere I went. I met two sweet ladies that I kept as pen pals and they were also so welcoming and friendly. I could write one page summarizing each of the seven days I was there, but that would be like a mini book. I will only mention the highlights for this blog. 

    I took two different tours with my sister and one solo tour for the last one. As expected, sibling rivalry was alive and present, unfortunately -- me and my sister are complete opposites when it comes to character personality. We both have known this since we were kids. I am the gentle, sweetheart, with a bubbly attitude all the time and she is aggressive, rough, with a negative attitude 80% of the time. So I expected to tension to build up and friction to escalate but not to the point where being apart was the only way to simmer the situation. We had an hour long confrontation talking about everything that bothered me and how she just didn't see things the way they really are versus how she sees them. We both cried out of anger, frustration and disappointment, but after two days we and mainly she gathered herself to be able to spend the last day in peace. I love my sister dearly, but I wasn't going to let her bully me into her dynamics and her perspective of how I should do things. We are both grown 30 year old woman who have the right to decide how we live our life. I did my very best to avoid confrontation over stupid things and she accused me of being a coward for avoiding confrontation, but I was being smarter by deliberately avoiding arguing over dumb shit like not putting the wet towel over the door like I wanted to versus outside in the balcony like she instructed me to do. I kept my mouth shut because I know what was in my best interest and if putting up with her control freak and micro-managing way the only way to enjoy my vacation then so be it. 

    In the moments where she was calm, cool, and collective -- we did make fun memories and shared beautiful sights that will fuel me for a lifetime. I did learn from her as well, and now more than ever I know what I will not tolerate in a partner, because being roommates with her for a week was an eye-opener for sure. I cannot stand having to constantly nag someone to wake up early if we have plans and a limited schedule to get things done. I never labeled myself as a morning person, but I really am an early morning bird. I woke up every day before she did even if I went to bed last. I enjoyed my morning reading the bible at the balcony with the beautiful ocean view and those beautiful sunrises. I love being organized and she wasn't as tidy as she claims to be and she hogged the TV control remote and never asked what I wanted to watch. The very first day we got there she didn't even ask which bed do you prefer and just picked the one next to the balcony immediately as if I was going to take it away. Again, I thought that was rude for not even asking and I didn't say anything, but was like okay that's fine I'll take the other one. Throughout the trip I shared all my clothes, and items I brought for the trip because she didn't bring a check-in bag so I obviously brought more things because I like to be prepared. So yeah, I learned a lot about what it is like living with someone within the same corridors. I had never spent more than a day or two with someone in the same room as me, so I am thankful for that part of the trip. 

    I do miss having a sister to bond with and share my life with, but only the Lord knows why we had to be separated all these years and will continue to live our lives far away from each other. I miss her and I hope the next opportunity we have will be a million times better and we will not reach those escalating moments of tension. I already know we need two separate rooms and I will handle my own currency and we will both have our own separate tours so that we do not annoy each other for being together 24/7. I enjoyed about 60 to 70% of all the foods I had been craving to taste again. I did almost 80% of all the activities I wanted to enjoy with my sister. She gets an A++ for selecting the 4 star hotel we stayed at because the customer service was excellent and the buffet breakfast was incredible truly remarkable. I loved that hotel and the pools and views were amazing. I highly recommend GHL Corales de Indias to everyone visiting Cartagena, Colombia!!!!! I love you Colombia and I know this Sunday we will beat Argentina 1-0 in the final Copa America for sure for sure!!!! Colombia wins Copa America 2024!!!!! 

Remember "You are not a mistake because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes" allow the Lord Jesus to change your life!!!

    Thank you so much for your support and keep following for more great content!!! I have amazing videos on my YouTube channel and pictures on Instagram all you have to do is search my hashtag #amilikey

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Love, Ana :) 

Online Chatting Adventures #amilikey

     

    Hey there beautiful people!!! I wish I hadn't been under the weather for the past couple of past days because it robbed me of so much doing. Whenever you are physically sick, it literally takes out all the energy of doing anything. All I want to do is lay down and watch TV to try and rest/recover as soon as possible. I've googled that if you try to do strenuous activities while being sick it delays the healing process, so I try and keep that in mind and also use it as a crutch to be a couch potato for a little bit. Any who, I am back to myself and there is no better feeling than being 100% healthy- as in sick free!!! 

    I wanted to post some blogs, but the dread of having to face my flaws in typing also discourages me because I want to type so fast and get the blog in within a short amount of time, and yet somehow I always take up an enormous amount of time because I am constantly backspacing my errors away and that becomes so frustrating. I've literally tried both ways of typing methods where I only look down on the keyboard and type from memory then look up -- I used this method for quiet a while throughout my colleges years and it really didn't speed things up that much. In recent years, I've tried just memorizing where the letters on the keyboard are located and try to hit them as consistently as possible because I can't physically type the proper way with keeping the hands where they belong. I kind of just hover over the main areas and then skip and jump as I go along. Yeah, I know non of this information is relevant for you the precious audience, but I thought I'd share my struggle as a writer and a blogger!! 

    Now, to the juicy topic of the day-- online chatting in my lifetime! I first came to know it as an eleven year old girl while I was in my foster care family. There was this particular teenager that lived there and I gravitated towards like a big sister. She use to log in to her email msn account or some type of online platform and start chatting messages. I was amazed on how fast she did it and how she could communicate with so many people all at once. The fun icon notifications of a reply was so fascinating to me to watch. Back in the day -- early 2000 era -- you had these fun emoticons that moved like GIFs and that was like the coolest thing about chatting. The constant thrill of expecting a reply in the form of a cool emoticon and fun replies was so addictive. She would sometimes let me sit there alone while she went off to take a shower or use the bathroom -- in my naive mind and hopeless excitement I would attempt to keep up with the conversation while she was gone but I barely got in maybe a sentence or two. 

    When I finally had my own computer and dial-up internet for the very first time I was so excited to try my hand at online chatting I could not wait. Again, all the exact details of it are slightly blurred because this was so many years ago, but I do remember like the gist of it. I had an email account with Hotmail which  automatically created an MSN messenger profile as well. I logged in and I don't know how I connected with someone else online, but I started chatting with this guy from Egypt allegedly and he was of course all sweet and nice. I don't remember his name or age at the time (if any of it was even true) and I chatted for a while, but I don't know what happened in the conversation. It was a one time thing and I never chatted with him again, or at least I don't think I ever did. From then on I tried to stick to only contacts for a while. 

    Several years passed by and one day I ended up on some Christian theme group chat forum right when I was 19 years old. I again, thought I had found someone very cool and interesting to chat with. He was from Chile and he was 29 years old. He asked me for my name and I gave him my middle name instead and gave him my grandmom's last name instead of mine. I was skeptical of who he was and I was aware of safety concern so that is why I deviated from revealing all of my personal information. He seemed so excited when I described how I looked like that I too omitted the most pertinent physical aspect of me being a burn survivor. He begged me to keep in touch with him via email, so I told him to give me his email instead. I never wrote it down because in my mind I just wanted to have fun in the moment, but was not interested in nothing serious especially with someone ten years older than me who didn't even live in the country. For all I know he was probably looking for a green card and was willing to marry who ever to come to America. I do remember I randomly asked my mom that weekend, " What do you think of me marrying someone who is ten years older than me and she was like that's fine, it's not too much." I was like, wow, I can't believe she was actually okay with the idea and encouraging me that there was nothing wrong with that age gap difference. I guess back then in my own immaturity I felt like it was absolutely wrong. Now, I just prefer someone hopefully younger than me by only a few years -- like maybe four or five years younger than me only because I know wait for it: he has fresher sperm for baby making. MAJOR LOL. I know that is absolutely irrational because unlike us women, a man's sperm doesn't go bad that early in life like before 40 or maybe 50 it's still viable healthy sperm for making healthy babies. And considering I am already at the threshold, I'd figure combine my more mature eggs with fresh younger sperm to make up for the time difference. Major Lol. 

    Once the era of social media kicked in, it was a lot easier to find people to chat with because they were part of your Facebook friend's list and it made it convenient. When I finally had my own phone, I too endeavored in the apps with chatting features. During my early 20s, I chatted a lot and mainly it was like in a dating type of way -- like I was actively trying to find my partner through these dating apps which were like chatting forums. Apart from the actual dating ones, I did have a few meaningful conversations with certain people throughout the years like an online friend; however, they always fizzled out and we reached a no-pass zone where they couldn't agree with my point of view on a subject and that was the end of it. Most recently actually, I had an online friend who I connected with a lot and he even sent me audio messages and pictures and videos of his timeline like actual events. It was nice having someone to dish about my life with and know that he was actually listening to me and sharing his whereabouts as well. We didn't communicate that often but when we did it was nice hearing from someone in my age group. He didn't approve of my last stand on drinking and he felt I guess super offended that I didn't encourage him to go out and have a drink with his buddies. I simply explained I couldn't tell him to enjoy and have a good time, but I never like told him I band you from it or stop or I won't talk with you anymore. He literally stopped talking to me for over three to four weeks which was beyond the normal amount of time that usually lapsed between conversations. So obviously, I was upset and crushed to know it had happened yet again. I first blocked him from my Instagram account as to show him in retaliation for abandoning me with no explanation. Technically speaking, he knows about my famous hashtag #amilikey and he used to say he thought I was a great writer with my blogs, so I mean it's not like he doesn't have a way of contacting me and reaching out to me again if he really wanted to. Also, I did unblock him from IG again, because I was curious and wanted to know how he was doing. Every time, I think I found someone nice to be a friend to me-- like genuinely it epically fails in due time. I guess my only friend will be my future husband and that's it. Nobody tolerates me as a friend and I can't help but be my true self with my faith based standards. 

    Well, I guess that pretty much sums up the online chatting experience for me throughout the years. I made connections that were obviously just momentary and that brought nothing to my life. I hope out of all of those conversations, one of them will remember me and be reminded of God and find his way to salvation despite my lack of example as a believer. One last encounter I will never forget, a couple of years back when I was struggling to be employed, I had to much free time on my hands and I met this online guy on I believe Whisper -- the anonymous chat forum where people post random posts and then they chat with you individually. Unfortunately, it's filled with way to many annoying scammers posing as sugar daddies and sugar mommas so disturbing. Every now and then, it is possible to find a decent person who actually wants to have a conversation about something other than the rated R conversations. I want to say I posted something about one of my favorite movie actors Bruce Willis and how he is still pretty freaking hot as a male even this late in his life. Michael, there are so many Michael's in the world I don't see the harm in saying that much. He started chatting with me that night and the conversation evolved to a phone call per his request. At first, I was super hesitant because I was never into calling anyone -- I just like to chat online and that's it. He convinced me to call him, so I did and we literally spent the rest of the night talking on the phone. I had to obviously charge my phone during that maybe three to four hour span and he even took me on his trip to the gas station -- that part was kind of silly because when he used the bathroom he was like I'm going to put the phone down for a little bit while I pee. Major Lol. The part that was the most memorable to me was when he sang to me on the phone, he literally sang to me the song from Pocahontas because I told him that was my favorite Disney princess growing up. He had a really sexy voice and he could actually sing really well, so I was like mush all up in my feelings, blushing and elated that he had such a nice gesture with me a total stranger. After that night we kept in touch for a few more days and maybe had a another short phone call. Eventually, I can't remember why, but it fizzled out yet again and I was so bummed out. I felt like I truly connected with him and obviously he had sent me pictures of him and I was like wow he is really freaking cute too. I honestly in all disclosure saved his pictures and maybe once a year or two when I am going down memory lane I look at them. Obviously, he was never interested in me in that way and we talked so much about what we wanted for our futures that it also didn't make sense to even try anything because we just didn't align at all. I also do pray for him from time to time. I wouldn't mind getting to see him in person one day either. Major Lol. He probably forgot about me already, but it's just one of those stupid what ifs that you always daydream about. (Mostly just me) Alright, now I have revealed more than enough to elaborate on this fun topic. 

    All in all, " You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes" you have a purpose and a reason to live. Discover it in Jesus and allow Him to change your life for the better and give you things you never thought you needed or wanted. But above all just come to know what real love is and what true peace feels like no matter the circumstance. Thank you for reading this non-popular blog and make sure you subscribe, like, share and leave a comment/feedback!!! Ask questions if you even want too!!! 

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana:) 

            

While I was sleeping in my Zzzz #amilikey

     Hey you'll, how is it going? I am feeling much better, because apparently my allergies wanted to act up this week and I had to miss work too. Anyhow, I am feeling much, much better and that is all that matters. My paycheck next time won't be complete because I know I don't have enough hours to cover my missed days, but like my mom always says "The Lord shall provide". I just have to budget accordingly and not be wasteful at all -- so no cravings or wants -- just focus on needs. 

    I have 45 blogs to go to meet this year's quota for blogs in 2024. I wasn't even sure what to talk about, but I think this one will be short, sweet, and entertaining. My creativity is not one hundred right now, but I will try my best to capture your heart at least for a few minutes. So, like I titled this blog -- while I was sleeping (good Sandra Bullock movie btw fyi) I have dreams just like everyone else. I have dreams that always leave me with the question mark -- what did that actually mean? I always question was it a message from God or a overload of my neurons that desperately keep thinking of the same thing. For example, the most common brain dreams that happen when you go to bed hungry - you dream about food or when you have to wake up to urinate you dream that you have to go to the bathroom. 

    Dreams are bittersweet because sometimes they feel so real when you wake up it is such a disappointment to know it didn't actually happen, but it was just a dream. I had this one particular dream about a few months ago -- can't recall exactly how long ago, but it was very sweet and I can't forget and I don't want to forget it. 

    I was in a group setting with a lot of other youth and one particular handsome gentleman. In my dream, I was sitting next to him anxiously asking him to confide in me something he had mentioned he wanted to tell me. I asked him one more time, go ahead tell me what you wanted to tell me, but he just said not now. I was like really, I got up and walked away. He actually ran after me and called me by my name and maybe grabbed my arm pulled me in towards him. He whispered in my ear "We had a kinetic connection back there". I literally, woke up and googled that term - no lie. I smiled and then wrapped by arms around him and hugged him tightly. In the dream, it was like an unspoken moment of I want to kiss you too, but we both said not now, not here while the youth is watching us. So I said goodbye with another hug and walked away. 

    There you have it, that was my big sentimental dream about a youth pastor who said we had a kinetic connection and hugged me twice. I kept thinking maybe it was like a foreshadow of who my future husband could be and that he might be a youth pastor. I just knew I felt so honored to have someone come after me and tell me we had a connection "kinetic" and almost kissed me. So, in conclusion, I don't know what that dream means at all, but it definitely gave me butterflies for sure. Most likely the only reason I had that dream was because I am constantly thinking about that subject and I guess my brain is trying to console me or give me something to think about -- I don't know. I do in full disclosure ask God to reveal His plan for me and show me who my future partner is in my dreams. We no longer have the prophets of the old testament that had like an incredible direct line access to God 24/7 who could just ask him anything and get an immediate response. So as a believer it feels like it's the easiest way for God to tell us something through our dreams. Also, sometimes I do envy those times, because obviously life was so much more simple and it was harder to sin and easier to be closer to God without all these distractions and obligations. 

    Alright, the point is I hate not knowing for sure what some of my dreams mean and what the Lord is trying to tell me, but I will keep pressing on to get closer to Him and have a better understanding. Wish there was a Joseph to interpret my dreams like he did with pharaoh; speaking of Joseph the Netflix movie Journey to Bethlehem -- has a very nice looking Joseph actor. Major Lol. I know, I know he is way too young for me and obviously I was super bummed out when I found out. I gave you a random insider of what I thought about him and he does sing very well too. Okay, let me wrap this up before I keep rambling on with more insiders nobody cares about. 

    Now all in unison, "You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes." I hope at the very least this blog encouraged you is some way and provided a smile or two. Perhaps even a genuine laugh too. Remember to subscribe, like, share, and give me a comment/feedback. 

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana :)

Use #amilikey on all your social media for more!!!

   

Spa Day #Amilikey

 

    Greetings beloved bloggers of mine I am once again on here to share my wonderful life experiences as I go along this journey called my vida (life). I am so grateful to still have one more day to rest and recover, because ironically all the fun activities I had planned wore me out. Major Lol. I know it doesn't quiet make sense but it  really happened that way for me and my favorite trio( my mom and brother). So one of the highlights from my birthday was getting to experience going to a spa for a day. I had never in 34 years of life been to spa or had a professional massage. 

    As per usual, I got there early to ensure I didn't miss my scheduled time slot and I filled out the pre-massage screening questionnaire. It was not crowded at all and the ambience was very serene to the point I was like "is there anybody here?" I definitely was feeling a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect and I knew I had to take off my clothes for the massage. He gave me the instructions and I obviously kept my panties on because there was no need to remove those. I wasn't expecting the bed to be connected to a heater so it was very warm and at the end I was like maybe not so much heat is necessary. It totally felt weird to have a stranger male massage my back and lower back for sure. I didn't know if I should compliment his technique or ask for more pressure without criticizing his work. The most awkward and uncomfortable moment was when he was massaging my hands and he like put his fingers in between mine almost as if he were holding my hand. I know that sounds silly, but it really felt so weird and I just was like ugh I don't really like that at all or enjoy you doing that. To me it just felt super weird and it reminds me of like a romantic gesture when you hold hands with your fingers in between your partner. 

    He was very respectful and super quiet the whole time. I think he was scared to hurt me because of my scars and he didn't apply much pressure for those same reasons. I know I also requested medium pressure because I didn't know how much pressure intense pressure could be and I wanted to be on the safe side. Overall, the massage could have used more pressure and focused more on my shoulders and lower back, but it was my first time so I didn't know what to expect. The second part of my spa day consisted of a facial massage. I was very pleased with this one because it felt super relaxing and she was so friendly and chatty. She used the most basic and soft products on my face to ensure it wasn't too rough on my skin and it totally worked. I was thrilled to have a facial massage and I definitely would want another one of those anytime for sure. I already have my eye on a back facial because I know that will feel incredible. 

    The spa I selected was very small, but they were all very friendly and made me feel welcomed. I ended my spa day with a nice pedicure with the same lady who did my facial so that was also nice to be able to keep chatting while I was getting my toes done. Speaking of finding a good nail salon, I think I finally find one and I know I can definitely talk to them in English without having a hard time guessing what they are saying or if they're talking about me. I am so ready to book me another spa day of at least one treatment, because it is really nice to treat yourself and make sure you get rewarded for being a good citizen and working hard in life. However, I'd trade all the spa days just to have my future husband give me a good rub down with a happy ending of course. Major triple Lol. I mean hence the word husband of course. His hands would feel better than any hot towels, his voice would be better than any instrumental music, and his presence would be better than any fancy spa gesture like sparkling water in a glass. 

    Alright, there you have my spa day experience details on how that went down. I look forward to more rewards from me to myself, until my man comes along or even real friends who'd like to give me a treat. As always, " You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes." Keep believing for a better future for yourself and allow the love of Christ to engulf all your being. Like, share, comment, and remember to check out my videos on my YouTube channel as well!!! Just use the #amilikey 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana :) 

      

Chapter 34 begins now !! #Amilikey

     

        Good day everyone I have the most exciting news the world has ever heard and yes it is the most important day of the year aka my birthday!!! Major Lol. I know it was a bit much but than again we are talking about me so I am a bit much, never a dull moment in my presence. I am so grateful to be able to celebrate this new chapter in my life called thirty-four and to know that I already have so many amazing goals to accomplish is wonderful. I look forward to experiencing new things like activities I've never done like having a spa day. Yes, that is correct in all my life I have never had the privilege of going to a spa. Long and behold that will change as soon as Monday arrives and that is super exciting to me to get to do finally. I also can't wait to attend this indoors theme park in town. And to wrap it up with a lovely beach day on Wednesday.     

        I know again looking back on previous years it hurts to realize just how much precious time you wasted with doing stupid things and being around the wrong crowd just to feel a sense of belonging and appreciation. Today, as a thirty-four year old woman, I can say I am mature enough to handle my adult decisions that I once took for granted and was bluntly irresponsible with over and over. I am no longer chasing after the approval of a man to make me feel wanted and loved. My mistakes have stayed in the past and I no longer dwell on the error that once was and will never be again. This new chapter that starts today will be better than last years because I am growing as a person and my strengths only get stronger as my weaknesses lessen more and more. No, that does not mean I am without fault or I am better than others, but in my own journey it means I have learned to let go and truly move on. 

    I may not belong to a social group or have a friend to hangout with or socialize with, but my priorities are straight and my purpose is secure in knowing I am pursuing my faith in Jesus. I blog about a lot of things, but the core of everything I have been through and experienced always points back to my savior Jesus. And let's just say it how it is -- it is because of this same reason people are hesitant to subscribe to my blog and my YouTube channel. They know I am a believer in Christ and all I do is to bring Glory and Honor to His name. I am not about religion, but about sharing the truth of the gospel which saved me time and time again. God is my reason for living, because I say it with joy but also with pain to know I've reached yet another year without my husband or kids. I long for those monumental milestones in my life to happen, but nevertheless will I keep living. The Lord is the only one who gives me the strength to endure the pain of not having them in my life yet, while other people bask in the joy of having a family of their own. Sharing family vacations with their spouse and children. 

        I know the Lord's timing is perfect, but when you're in the waiting season it always feels like it isn't fast enough and it just plainly hurts to be left out of all these beautiful life moments people expect to experience at a certain age-- my age. I do pray for him all the time and when I lay in bed to go to sleep I just rearrange the pillows and say one night closer to meeting you baby. It's like  a small phrase I say to console myself of knowing I have to sleep alone without my partner, because I do not yet have one. Well, that was some inner tea I wasn't expecting to share, but there you have it now. I won't take too much time, but just know I am super happy to celebrate another year of life and to continue living to my very best. Remember to checkout my Instagram for more great content and actual fun pictures and videos. You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes. You have a purpose and a life to be lived with all of its' baggage. Thank you for reading my humble blog and remember to like, share, subscribe, leave a comment too!!!

Love, 

Xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,

Ana :)

My Concerts #Amilikey

     

    Hi beloved bloggers of mine!!! So today's topic of discussion will be devoted to the concerts I have attended over the past few years. I started going to my very 1st concert back in 2019 at the Winter Jam at Amalie Arena in downtown Tampa. I was so amazed on how it felt to feel the beat on your chest, because of course the volume is loud enough to feel it on your body. At first, I was a bit startled and then I got used to it and started singing at the top of my lungs alongside everyone else. 

    It felt so good because I knew the majority of the songs and the artist so that was really nice too. I went with two other sisters in Christ that time so I felt really good being in a group setting. I then had the courage to attend the following year by myself and also enjoyed it. Unfortunately, the venue had changed locations from previous years so I was unable to attend the third year. After that I honestly was discouraged to attend and stopped going for a while until this year. 

    I hadn't really thought much about it because also going alone all the time to events gets tiring especially when you see everyone else go with their family and friends. Somehow, by divine intervention after inviting my mom to attend with me she finally decided to join me and that made me so happy I almost couldn't believe it. I took the day off of work in advance as a PDO day and was able to enjoy that annual Winter Jam concert with my mom and brother for the first time. She said she was willing to accompany me because this year the venue happened to be even closer than their usual location. Also, there was one of her favorite artist performing that night, so that was really cool to see her enjoy that moment. We sat all the way up to the top because every other seat was already taken and my brother couldn't be too close either to protect his hearing condition. 

    I of course knew most of the songs, so by the end of the concert I literally couldn't talk much because my voice was almost gone from all the singing. Major Lol. I love going to concerts, but I am hesitant when I know I have to go by myself. I try my very best not to let that get to me and keep me from enjoying the things I love to do. I did attend another concert from a solo artist last year on my own and that was also nice, because he was an artist I had listened to his new album right before the concert and was able to sing along. Again, there were those awkward moments when they said tell your neighbor this and that; place your arms around each other and lets embrace this song. 

    Full disclosure, I also always think maybe just maybe this will be the event I get to meet my Mr. Right and it will be a wonderful first time meeting you story-- but nope that never happens at these events. I literally had to sit next to this younger guy who I didn't say much other than hi. I waited patiently until the concert was about to start to ensure I wasn't taking anyone's seat and when I saw the lights dim I jumped up and sat two rows down where there were a few empty seats. I like being able to lift my hands in praise as I sing the beautiful worship songs and move around and he was just way too close and crowding my space. I am 100% sure he also felt relieved to know he now had more space to himself. Sitting next to people you don't know is also super awkward and annoying when you are trying to enjoy something by yourself. Any who, those are the few memories I have when attending concerts in my vida (life). I honestly wasn't feeling too inspired to blog today, but I want to keep up with the consistent component and aspect of being a blogger and sticking to my goals/commitments (also a way to practice and better my typing skills which are not as great as I'd like because I always mess up after like every five words or so and it drives me bananas and I don't appreciate that). I do have small fingers, so I can't keep my fingers on the designated keys that you are supposed to use when typing in a professional manner. Also, the same reason I am a terrible keyboard player and piano player if I ever play a few notes which I only learned maybe one song if that. 

    Alright, I have to wrap this baby up because I got to get ready for work and you know how that goes for us women -- there is a whole lot of things we have to ensure are done before we walk out the door (hair, make-up, pack our purses, etc.) Lastly, I always tell myself I am not going to share the link on my social media because it is an even greater discouragement to see that even with the link provided no one barely takes the time to view and read my humble blog --especially when you expect the support of your family and social media followers. It's sad to know the strangers online are the few that stumble across my blog from time to time. Well, I try my best to support others and their projects but it is never reciprocated in the same way -- like taking maybe top ten minutes to read this blog is so hard for them. So, have a great day and remember there is more content for your enjoyment using the one and only hashtag #amilikey on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube and even weird new Twitter that has that ugly X new symbol. "You are not a mistake because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes, you have a purpose in life." 

Thank you and remember to subscribe, like, share, and comment some feedback!!!!

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana :) 

      

Writing Notes/Letters #Amilikey

     Hello beautiful bloggers of mine!!!!! I just wanted to pop back on here to do what I love to do best. Share my most inner thoughts and ideas about concepts I've lived through and experienced in the flesh. Major Lol. Back in middle school, about eighteen years ago I was writing notes and passing them along to my then temporary besties. It was the main form of communication before the social media era took off and the cellphones texting phenomenon launched. 

    I remember getting so excited to hand out my notes and letters to my besties and also to receive a reply letter. None except one bestie really lasted for months on end -- to the point where we created a notebook that we exchanged almost daily back and forth at the end of the day. We mainly chit chatted about the boy drama that was going on in our small group of peers and also about our families drama as well. We also summarized our interaction highlights that occurred during each class throughout the day. 

    Apart from the regular common notes between close friends, there were also the few occasions that I was stupid enough to write boys I liked notes too. Looking back on it -- it was super embarrassing trying to explain myself to these immature boys of how I felt and how I liked them. I did it several times too, so it wasn't like a one time thing either. I never gave them the note or short letter in person myself (obviously) but always bribed or begged a friend to hand them the note for me. One time, the guy was so annoyed he barely wanted to read it and said something like "that ugly b****, monster, or devil" I can't recall the exact phrase but he used very derogatory language to reference me and it really hurt. 

    Another wild example of when I really was crushing on this one six grader that had left he school but had come back just to participate in the nature 6th grade field trip of three consecutive days: I wrote a small note saying something along the lines of " I think you are really cute" and I think I omitted my name and put it inside his lunch bag. To my utter demise, he wasn't the one who found the little note but one of his buddies that had looked inside his lunch bag and then had the audacity to read it out loud and started laughing. I can't remember exactly how it happened, but I happened to look back where they were seated and I guess they figured out it was my handwriting or I started smiling and then I admitted to it -- something like that. I wanted to crawl under my seat and regretted putting the note inside his lunch bag instead of just giving it to him maybe when there was nobody watching or something. I felt like a fool and getting his "ewww" reaction towards me always hurt too. 

    I hated admitting who I liked in school, because I knew the minute they knew I liked them, they immediately saw me in even more dislike than ever before and also with a disgusted attitude. If I had established the regular classmate interaction, you could say goodbye to that instantaneously. I always knew from the start that no good-looking guy would ever remotely like me or even consider me as a future girlfriend, but I still couldn't help but choose the pretty baby face guys all the time. Any who, I got a little side tracked, but it definitely was a weakness of mine to write people notes and letters growing up in school. I still have maybe a handful of them and mostly the birthday cards/cards throughout the years I've gotten in a box. I also have to admit, even in my adult years -- there have been occasions where I also wrote guys letters and notes with a picture of me (like they really cared-- not). I just love writing and I always found it such a heart-warming way to express your affection for someone then through a handwritten letter/note. Last sad example, my fake former best friend -- the one I spent years trying to connect with and bond with wrote me on a school money pink piece of paper a small note only one time. In the beginning, I used to write him notes frequently just updating him on my boy drama and school whereabouts because most of the times we saw each other at church we never had time to talk. 

    In every note, I would desperately request that he would reply back and I guess I annoyed him enough times that he thought writing that lame note on that pink school money would shut me up. At first, I was super excited to know he had finally replied back to me and then when I saw the small piece of paper and the things he wrote on it -- I was so disappointed and bumped that he couldn't even write me on a decent white piece of paper, but asked my other fake friend for it. I was so pathetic that I kept that stupid piece of paper in my purse for years even after he had abandoned me and lost contact with me. I kept it throughout high school and probably until I went into my junior year in college. It was the one thing I held onto because it was almost like I didn't want to let go of him. I probably read it once a month or whenever I switched purses or wallets. He wrote something like " Hola Milena, I never knew there was such a weird name out there. I hope you enjoy it enough to make you smile. I ran out of space but S.S.J.L.Y". The last letters were the phrase I would always write to him in each note which meant -- Smile Silly Jesus Loves You. 

        Okay, so that was a lot of in depth deep drama trauma from my childhood, teenage and adulthood. Major Lol. I lowkey also wrote my future husband a letter in my journal about two years ago now maybe more, but it's probably the hardest letter I've ever written in my life especially because I don't have that 100% guarantee that it will actually happen for me as much as I want it. In full disclosure, I constantly battle in my mind about this concept, because I overanalyze it. On one side, I question -- could there ever be a real man of God to see me for me and genuinely find me attractive with my scars(as in he finds them exotic and not just well I guess I'll just deal with them). I look back at all the times I've been around all types of men as in social classes and races and none have ever remotely been interested in me not even as a friend. All my interactions and horrifying experiences have always been with the low end of the pool with a bunch of sorry-losers who were prying on my desperation to find someone. Also, I question if I even deserve to be chosen by such a great man, when someone as sweet and loving as my mother never got rewarded with a great man either. I know we are not to compare ourselves to anyone, but I messed up more in my walk with Christ than my mom did and if she didn't mess up like I did and she still got a crappie partner then what could I possibly hope for after I deliberately had a long period of backsliding. I know that's not how it works, because God is a God of forgiveness and redemption, but I do question it and think about all of it. Lastly, I know we have to have faith in the things we ask of God, but I also know His perfect will in the end is the last say and if that's not His plan for my life I can't change anything. 

    In twenty days from now, I will be officially thirty-four years old and that will be bittersweet because I am happy to celebrate another beautiful year of life, but also it is a heart-breaking reminder of how I am yet to be married and have children. I also know I am not like in this moment ready to say I do, because I am not financially ready and obviously from all this blogging got emotional scars to be healed too. However, it wouldn't hurt to at least have my future husband in my life as a friend at least. And before you say, well maybe he is already in your life as a friend and you just don't know it yet. Nope, absolutely no! I have zero friends right now and that is the ultimate truth. All I have is former classmates, brothers/sisters in Christ (which I never socialize with outside of church), coworkers, and social media followers. 

    Well, that was deeper than I expected to get into, but apparently I needed to say it out loud. I share these things to show my vulnerability, but also to prove my credibility with being genuine and real about the things I talk about. I clearly don't have it all together, but I do press forward hoping for a greater future and more success to give God Praise for again and again. No matter what my God is a Good God and even though it is hard to understand His ways sometimes in our humanity, I rather be confused about understanding the why of certain things than have no hope in knowing one day I will understand the why of His plan. Okay let me let you go now, I am sure you've been more than enlightened and entertained and now it is time to get back to work. Thank you for reading my humble blog and remember "You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes and you have a purpose in life."

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Love, 

Xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana :)