Greetings beloved bloggers once again I am here to share some in-depth truth from my own journeys. I know every time I tell myself, "You have to just push through all the negativity and believe in better days to come" is easier said than done. I have lied to myself more times than I'd like to admit it is a true statement. I look back and want to shake myself vigorously for allowing such lies to be told to me by me over and over again. I know it is inevitable to lie to someone else because it is in our own human nature and if anyone says they have never lied or tell lies -- that is the first lie. The majority of the time people lie to one another to spare their feelings or to hide something valuable like a surprise party. So, if we can control the one person who we lie to -- it should be ourselves!
Why is this so important? We create our own emotional toils and if we can stand on our true self without sugar coating the reality we live in then we will be better off. For instance, when we stand in front of the mirror, we either accept ourselves as we are with flaws and all or ignore the flaws and pretend everything is fine. It is one thing to acknowledge your weaknesses and another to want to do something about them to lessen them or eliminate them altogether if it possible. Overweight people tend to constantly lie to themselves to avoid the underlining cause of their inability to self control their food consumption. They now say, " I am just a thick woman", versus admitting you are unhealthy and you are physically causing yourself ailments that are preventable. The lies are not just about our own physical aspects, but they trail all the way to toxic relationships (which now I know too much of first hand) and bad habits like being a shopaholic. I know also analyzing my past relationships, I constantly told myself lies about these toxic relationships because I didn't want to loose them and be alone.
One of the major toxic relationships I've had was forcing the title of best friend to someone who never even wanted to be my friend in the first place. On many occasions he told me the only reason he was talking to me was because he was bored and I was the only go to person option in that moment. Yet, I still keep graveling for his attention, because I had invested so many years I didn't want that time to have been for nothing. I gave him a birthday gift from my own allowance, because that's how special he was to me. I wanted him to be my best friend and fulfill the role of a big brother I never had or wanted so desperately. I remember sharing my secrets with him about how I felt about my boy troubles and every little thing that happened to me, he was always the first one I wanted to tell more than anything. I even went out of my way to set him up with a former classmate who I thought would be a perfect match for him at the time. Once I realized she was just using him I wrote him a letter (literally) and told him plain and simple she doesn't actually like you or love you after a whole year of seeing her treat him like he was her personal assistant. He didn't listen to me of course, by this time he was so infatuated with her he couldn't see right from wrong at all. Eventually, as the years went by and she had enough of faking it, she left him without telling him and she robbed him of almost ten years of being a relationship without someone who didn't love him.
When this happened, I thought he would finally be free from her and that we could reconnect our friendship, but that was not the case at all. He found new people to invest his time with and barely ever made time to talk to me because he was so busy "working". On the few rare occasions we actually spent together it was always in a group setting and I just happened to be there. He only shared my 29th birthday with me because my hot cousin had come from Colombia and he was interested in her. I don't blame him for wanting to pursue her, because she is beautiful and who wouldn't want a hot babe. I just hate that he never cared about me as a friend and he just called himself an asshole and somehow that made up for it. All those years, I reached out to him first -- always showing how much I missed him and wanted to reconnect and all I ever got was a few words here and there. Those were the times I was lying to myself about him being my best friend. He never was my best friend and he was never a real friend either. He told me once via Facebook messenger, "You are one of those friends in life is hard to find and we are like a magnet that you pull apart but always find their way back to each other" (something along the lines I was paraphrasing. He also told me other things I rather not say to respect his marriage. The very one I wasn't even invited to even though he literally saw me the day before his wedding and just merely waved at me hi and bye. I mentioned it before, I wasn't going of course because I never even met her and he obviously didn't care to introduce his girlfriend to his best friend (as this was also the lie he too told me several times -- that I was his female best friend -pfffff). I only bring it up to support my statement of him being such a fake friend.
Overall, he never did anything to show me he cared about me as a friend and everything he did was in his best interest to gain something he wanted out of me. Those few lines he told me that one night will never be forgotten, but to him they were just sweet one liners to get me to do what he wanted. They still hurt to this day, knowing he lied without thinking the value of such bold statements. I always questioned them and never accepted them as being truthful, because his actions went directly against what he alleged. It just hurt knowing he had to go to such extremes to try to make me feel special when the truth was always right there. You cannot tell someone something your very actions disproof. I also just hate how much I cried about losing the friendship I thought I had built. I wept like a baby in prior years when I didn't talk to him at all and he was still dating that girl who abandoned him. Afterwards, I was caught up in other toxic relationships that the pain subsided for a while, because I was so consumed by other idiots. I longed for his help with just basic goals I had and he never once cared to help me at all. I was always encouraging him and telling him he had potential to do more and be more. Everything between me and him was always one sided and finally after his marriage I had enough of his demeanor to ignore me as a "best friend". It's been about almost three years since I last saw him and had any contact with him. He was one toxic relationship I kept lying to myself about over and over because it was too painful to let him go, until I finally did. From time to time, I still have dreams about him and I wake up so thankful it was just a stupid dream, because I don't ever want him back in my life to any capacity. I wish him all the very best, but I just want to live my life without the people from my past. I forgive him of course for all the lies he told me and for never truly accepting the role I gave him as a best friend or friend period. I leave you with this one concrete example, he once signed my year book by saying " Ana, I forgive you for being a little ..... out there , have a great summer" something like that, but basically what he was trying to emphasis was-- I was annoying. So even then he gave me subtle hints of how he really felt about me and I just smiled like an idiot and ignored it. That is why, you should never lie to yourself about the truth you are living as hard as it may be.
Thank you for taking the time to read it, remember you are not a mistake because God does not make mistakes. You have a purpose and a plan to fulfill, so allow Jesus to enter your heart, mind, and soul!!! Remember to share, like, comment!!!
Ana :)
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