Yo, Yo, what's new? I know everyone will be celebrating Father's Day at the beach tomorrow -- how awesome to those that can do so, but as for me it's just another day of the week. A cruel reminder of what I have never had and will never have so long as I live. Let's dive in and explore as to how this is my reality.
For starters: what is a REAL father? A MAN ( a woman will always be a mother period) who is a care-taker; one who provides financially; one who loves his kids with actual care and quality time spent with them; one who disciplines with maturity and not mental or physical abuse; one who teaches and provides counsel for all of life's episodes, and the one people tend to disassociate: having and giving RESPECT to their child's mother. This is the man who can claim true fatherhood; those that merely pay the government a child support check to the DCF so they don't end up in jail are NOT to be recognized as a real father. Now, let's also be mindful that there are a lot of men out there thinking that because they are the sole breadwinner that they are not responsible for changing dirty diapers, brushing their toddlers teeth, bathing the young ones, cooking and helping clean when he is at home. Every parent -- both mother and father -- are equally responsible for all of that child's care from beginning till he moves out on his own.
I was one of the unfortunate ones to have known who my biological father was and who he was as a bare financial supporter. My biological father only cared to provide the very minimum so that I and my sibling wouldn't die. He never showed any real love and care for us growing up until they (my parents) finally separated for good. All the memories I have of him are with a negative connotation, and he rejected my hugs as a eight year old when I was living away from my mom and felt homesick. I honestly can't even remember a time when my "father" told me that he loved me, nor did he care about how I felt or how I was doing in school. Like the very few months I was in his full care and he picked me up from school: all he would say was are you hungry and I gotta go back to work after I drop you off at home. In the mornings, he would drop me off super early before the school technically opened so I had to wait in the main office until they actually opened up the cafeteria to eat the free breakfast provided by the school. I had to go to after-school "daycare" in the playground of the school and there I had to starve until it was time to go home around 6PM. He never gave me any money to buy at least from the snack room until I either begged for $1.00 dollar or saved up from folding the laundry.
After I came back for the last time to reside permanently with my mother in the states: my "father" basically washed his hands from seeing me as his daughter and his responsibility. I didn't receive any financial assistance from the age of eleven moving forward. All I got from him was one crappie sweet fifteen birthday card with $75.00 that was from him and my godfather so technically he only gave me less than $40.00 for my sweet fifteen birthday (which is suppose to be a very big deal for Hispanic culture) and I am not making this about the money. He had plenty of money to gift to me on my special day, and more importantly the connection was totally lost. He knew how to reach me but never made an effort to call me at least once a week or damn at least once a month if it really was that costly. Letters were always an option, writing emails was another avenue he could have used to stay in touch with me, but he choose not to.
Same thing happened after I graduated high school and when I graduated from college: he only called me to use me for the millionth time to see if he could get a letter from the college campus requesting that he attend the graduation ceremony. He was trying to seek VISA entrance to come back to the states, but it wasn't because he genuinely missed me. The real motivation has always been for being able to work as a mechanic and make lots of money real quick. He has always been a great mechanic truly the best in the industry, but he only made money to sponsor his first love: alcohol. To summarize the last few years of my adult life: he only reached out to me the very last time via messages to ask me to move back to Colombia to take care of him, because he was sick and "alone". He had the audacity after all these years of hard work and true sacrifice in my life to just walk away from all that I've accomplished to take care of him --- after he stopped taking care of me at 11 years old. He thought he could manipulate me into thinking that somehow I was being a bad daughter for not being there for him now, when in fact he never really was there for me. Everything he did in my name was done out of the motivation of what he could gain through exploiting my accident and my physical condition as a burn survivor. Quick example, he would go around asking people for money saying it was for my medical care when he knew damn well Shriners was sponsoring my treatment at no cost to him, and he made a great living as a mechanic he could rack up a $1,000 in one week on the side of his regular salary doing extra work for people that would call him up.
So there you have the snip bit of why I can wholeheartedly say that I have no real father. He took care of me only when he was obligated to do so and he didn't do with love or care. He exploited me as a burn survivor to gain people's pity and pockets. I am already thirty, so what father could I possibly look forward to having. All the years that mattered and could have made a difference in my life are all long gone. The idea of having him walk me down the aisle at my wedding is not even a true guarantee as I loose hope I'll ever get married in the next 4 years I have left. After I am 34, my ass ain't getting married because by then I'll be too old to have a healthy baby, and I don't want more than anything to be an old mom either. So if I am not pregnant by 34 then I can't have it by 35 which is the cut off point from a medical stand point. The only thing I have to look forward to is him repenting for his long-sinful life of abuse and neglect not to just me but his over ten kids. I pray that he will be saved and I can at least have one last goodbye and farewell.
One of the reasons I look forward to marriage is the absence of fatherhood as well, and let me explain it thoroughly. I don't want to marry a man to be my father, I would hope and pray he was blessed with a real father and that my father-in-law would be that father figure I never had in my life. I don't even know why they call it father-in-law, but it seems nice to have a male figure who you could talk to about your personal life and know he is truly there to support you and care for you. Currently, I have a stepfather and I had him since I was twelve, but he never stepped up either so I was again left without a real father. My stepfather has only been a financial supporter and I appreciate that, but I needed much more than that as a person. He is no sunshine either so that doesn't help. He has been verbally abuse throughout my life and twice became physically abusive my striking me out of anger over something I did no wrong. So, I just avoid him as much as possible and keep my distance, because there's no point in giving him any confidence because he back stabs you with a blink of an eye metaphorically speaking.
In conclusion, I have no reason to celebrate father's day tomorrow or perhaps never in the near future. I will always miss that part of my life being empty and filled with sorrow, but I pray for the fathers out there that still have small children: may they be all that they need them to be with true love and care. May the fathers to be embrace such life changing blessing and know that there are those that never have that opportunity to be a father even if they desire it. Happy Father's Day to the real fathers that love their children in more ways that can even be described through sacrifice and hard work. God Bless the man that takes full responsibility for his own seed and the seed that others neglected too.
I'm done sharing for now, so remember you have purpose with or without a father in this lifetime.
XOXOXOXOOXOXo,
Ana :)
#Amilikey
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