I have briefly talked about it, but never in depth because it is too painful of a memory. I never knew it was a thing nowadays to have a friend with benefits(FWB). I never wanted to have that type of relationship ever, but it did happen to me twice. Almost simultaneous and they knew about each other too, so it was all toxic from the beginning and till the end.
I originally knew the second FWB since my teenage years and we had already established a brief friendship years prior to it escalating to the FWB status between us. We shall call him Nate for reference, Nate and I never deliberately discussed the condition or agreement of what we were doing at all. It was always just in the moment kind of deal. Nate always had some sense of remorse afterwards and swore he would never sleep with me again, but as soon as he was intoxicated and feeling horny he completely forgot about what he had said. I always felt guilty too for doing what was morally wrong from my beliefs and yet I kept coming around time after time thinking there could ever be something more than just plain FWB status. The romantic idiot in me always wanted to settle down for less in order to have something to hold on to and claim as my own. Nate never felt an ounce of feelings towards me, he used me the whole time and knew I was desperate for that void to be filled with someone who wanted me.
Our toxic relationship of being FWBs lasted on and off for over two years and it lead to dark roads in my own journey. At one point, I hate to admit it I even had a pregnancy scared and his reaction to it all was devastating. I will never forget the way he responded and how relieved he was to know thankfully it was just a false alarm. He literally said, "What will people think of me knowing I got you pregnant?" and "They'll probably make fun of me because of the way you look." "Or maybe that way they won't think I am so shallow," these were the statements he made in that moment. I should have ran farther than anyone else and never made contact with him ever again, and embarrassingly even after that episode I eventually went back to him during those two on and off years. It was a hard attachment, because we socialized a lot apart from just having sex. We went everywhere and constantly hung out doing normal day to day activities. He always gave me false hope and said things that made me consider staying to see it through. Those overanalyzed moments where he treated me nice and with extra care and eventually it always reverted to verbal abuse and aggressive reactions/combative dialogue.
I do not endorse or recommend anyone engaging in FWB relationships. They always end badly and someone (the woman) always gets hurt in the process. A relationship should be based on mutual likeness of one another and commitment to love/respect each other. No one should settle for the imitation of a relationship just because they do not want to be alone. You are worthy of being chosen as a real partner and given the love you expect in return. The first FWB was short lived and he was just as toxic as the second. The only difference between them was their age, race and approach to being a toxic FWB. I do not keep in contact with either one for obvious reasons, and I pray I never have to confront them in a real case scenario. I will say a simple "hi" and wave goodbye, but apart from that I don't want to relive everything I experienced.
We live and learn; it is best to leave the past in the past and only remember the lesson. Okay, well that was another small synapse of my wretched "love" life timeline. Thank you for all your support and as always my favorite phrase coming up: "You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He cannot make mistakes." You have a purpose in life to fulfill, so no matter the hard times never give up and allow Jesus to show you the way to a genuinely happy life!
Xoxoxoxo,
Ana :)
