Suicidal

   Life is precious! No one knows with exact certainty when they will inhale their last breath. When it will be the last time that they come across their loved ones. When it will be the last time they get laid or laid off. So many last times, yet, none can compare to a last goodbye. I have been fortunate thus far to never have been through a last goodbye. I hope I never have to experience one any time soon. I am an emotional person in general, so thinking of losing someone I love forever is gut-wrenching. 

    I am a miracle baby and to think I would want to deprive  myself of my own life - was just a thought I never saw plausible. Years later, I found myself in that situation twice within 4 years. It stemmed from episodes of severe depression. Being depressed is bad enough, now double that intensity and make it severe for over four consecutive months. They came alongside insomnia and loss of appetite, no desire for hygiene maintenance, constant raging negative/diabolical thoughts and complete isolation from the world (including friends and family). 

    I began to think the depression would never end. I was mentally exhausted to the point where I wanted to shut down my brain. The constant reminders of my past failures and distress increased my anxiety. I could not let five minutes pass by without having thought of more than 10 things in a row. I felt so much guilt and remorse for my life choices - this made me feel like the worst person in the world. I initiated my suicidal behavior by thinking of ways by which I could commit suicide. I would look down at my wrist and imagine myself cutting it with a scissor or a knife. I would also look at my ankles as well. I tried to cover up my face with a pillow and hold it there without me breathing once. When I stood on the second floor, I would look over the railing out in the balcony and would repeat over and over in my head, "just do it and get it over with now, just jump over." 

     I verbally repeated several times, " I quit, I can't do it anymore, no more." Nothing could make me feel better: not the medication, not the company, no gifts, no visits, and really nothing made it better. It was genuinely only by GOD's infinite mercy and grace that allowed me to survive and come out on the other side. So, please feel free to ask questions and comment your feedback. Life is so beautiful, but no one should live it in depression and suicidal thoughts. Please seek help and remember: to every life's problem there is an alternative solution that does not involve killing yourself. Whether or not you believe in God, trust me that killing yourself doesn't solve anything but condemns your soul to eternal hell. 

      Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Hope to inspire one person at a time. Remember you are important to God and you have a purpose in life - regardless of your situation at this time. 


Xoxoxoxoxoxo,

Ana :)