Wordpress move? #amilikey

 

 

Greetings my beautiful and beloved bloggers!! I want to thank you for your generous support throughout the years. I have been debating starting my blogging on a new platform and just leaving this one active for the remainder of the time. I have worked really hard to gain a new audience on this google blogspot website, but I haven’t had much progress. Perhaps, in the new domain of WordPress, I can reach a broader spectrum of people worldwide. I am also enjoying my new refurbished laptop I purchased a few weeks back and that has also motivated me to post more blogs.  

I have been a writer since an early age back in elementary school, when I would write in my personal diary almost daily. I enjoy writing because it allows me to speak my mind without anyone cutting me off or rebuttal given onto me. Now, as a grown adult I have discovered that writing reaches many people in need of hearing a motivating voice. Trials and tribulations have made me a stronger person and have enabled me to help others along the way. I do not presume to know it all and be miss perfect; however, I can be a witness to the overcoming of hurdles most wouldn’t want to endure to begin with at all. I just saw a very cool video on LinkedIn that highlighted the importance of going through the rough patches in life: when we go through life in a monotonous route, we take longer to reach of destination versus going in an upward and downward motion we arrive there a lot faster than in a linear setting. People see me smile all the time, and it is a genuine smile, but that smile was gained by paying a price [enduring hardships no one will ever be able to relate to exactly how I lived it].  

I encourage each one to reach out for help no matter the small struggle or doubt you may be facing today. The only way to make it out of hard times is to utilize all the aids available to you. I know teachers and employers always say, “There is no such thing as a dumb question” and I say, “There is no trouble worth not talking about it or seeking help for it.” So be encouraged today and remember, “You are not a mistake because God is perfect, and He cannot make mistakes!” As always make sure you like, share, subscribe and leave a comment below!! Come follow my Instagram for more exclusive content.   

 

 

Xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo,  

 

Love,  

 

Ana 😊    

Youth Reunion #amilikey

 

Hi everyone!!!!! So today well now technically yesterday was a very special day for me. I have been wanting to see my youth group from my early teen years and obviously could have never imagined it the way it happened. Although it was only a few people and not the whole group, it was still very nice and getting to catch up after all these years was very heart-warming. Our beloved pastor which we grew up, he finally finished his race with endurance and we came together at his funeral. 

     The majority of the people gathered there were his family members, but it is these same people I recall like family to me. I hadn’t seen them in years and to see them all grown up from when they were just kids is remarkable. Most of them are married and with kids of their very own now. Embracing someone you’ve known most of your life and have so many fawned memories with is just so special. Hopefully 🤞 this gathering can serve for a greater purpose of reuniting us and even reunited them as a large family too. It’s crazy to think that once a upon a time you didn’t think much about them, because people grow up and make a life of their own and here you are seeing them again and falling in love with that agape love you have always known. One person in particular really left an impression on me— he definitely looked so different than the memory I had of him but in a good way. To discover he has done so well for himself is also so good to hear and being able to talk to him in that loving manner was just so nice. We are a few years in separation and I never would have expected him to be so open to a conversation and to embrace the moment. Chatting with him was definitely worth the coming in early for the memorial service. I hope I get the opportunity to see him and his family again. Perhaps I’ll be invited to his wedding or invited to hangout in a group setting to keep bonding in fellowship. 

     I believe it would be super epic to have a total youth reunion with the rest of the people I grew up with in church. They were a huge part of my life and it would be a beautiful thing and a blessing to be able to come together again after all these years. I know we all have our differences and separate lives, but we share something special in common and we should embrace that unique bond that binds us all. I was thinking perhaps a weekend event where we rented a large airB&B and hired a small team of childcare workers to also include the family’s children. I know that sounds too expensive and exaggerating, but in order to have the youth that are now all adults be able to share and bond we need that no kids zone time. I’d obviously come up with a great hour by hour itinerary to ensure we make the most of the 3 days. I’d plan fun/creative activities to do and make sure everyone felt comfortable and included!!! It is possible and with appropriate planning/budgeting this youth reunion can become a reality. I pray 🤲 this blog comes forth a reality in the near future and that those who need to be reminded of God’s love can be reached through this post. As always, “ You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes.” Remember to live with passion and love people in your life while they are still here. Thank you for your support and remember you can always subscribe, share, like and comment too!!!! 

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,  

Ana 🥹 

Cartagena, Colombia in 2024 #Amilikey

     

    Wow I did it!!!! So this is super special for me in every sense of the word. I never imagined it would be possible given where I am financially and in my personal journey. I have yet to start my many projects and goals, so to add this in the middle of those ongoing things was a lot for me to take on, but I did it. It was also bitter sweet given that I traveled alone and my precious mom was robbed of reuniting with her first born child. I have been hesitating from going to Colombia for that same reason that I didn't want my mom to feel bad for not having the opportunity to visit and see her daughter of over 23 years of separation. I also felt bad my brother also could not fly either and I would only be seeing my sister and not the rest of my family. For those that have been following my journey, you guys know well I am not scared of anything - because God's perfect love cast out fear!!! However, we are called to be smart about are decisions and with that in mind I wanted to avoid my father at all costs. He is known for being a criminal and wanting to seek entire into the US at all costs and one of those options would be to falsify documents with original ones (mine). So I was absolutely not taking that chance, he would immediately inquire about letting him see my US passport and attempt to replicate the document or whatever. 

    I know this sounds bizarre, but when you know the person and what they are capable of doing then you are on red alert. I do not trust my own biological father with a penny. He has lied to me his whole life and he was neglected me as a daughter and never cared for my genuine well-being. He always put his interest before my actual needs, and that is exactly how he was revoked VISA in the first place- by overstaying his VISA for over two years just to make money (money that I barely ever received as parental support). My father is an alcoholic from childhood and he has his own trauma from an abusive father as well, but he choose to follow in his footsteps instead of breaking free from that type of toxic parenting or lack of parenting. Overall, I didn't feel comfortable being in his presence with his history and I knew that would also make it harder on my mom's peace and sanity to know I was in harms way. My sister and I choose to meet each other far away from our home town and reunite in the beautiful city of Cartagena. At first, I wanted to visit a place where I could see the river and ocean view too, but unfortunately that made it much harder to select a location with both options. The time frame and budget was also limited so we had to settle for one city and a few tours. 

    I am so happy I was brave enough to make this trip happen despite the limited resources. I took out a small loan to cover the final expenses - yes it is true, but with my current job I am able to repay back that small loan with installments that fit my budget. I thank the Lord for my new job schedule that also made this trip possible, I only had to take two days of PDO versus 7 if I had the basic Monday thru Friday schedule I used to have. I landed in Colombia at night and it was also hot and humid, but the night lights and atmosphere of my people was so heart-warming. I truly miss being around my people my Colombians for sure for sure. They are so respectful, loving, courteous, and polite that it was the best part of being there the whole time. I was able to greet everyone with a smile and a "good morning" that radiated happiness and joy without having to beg them to speak to me -- it was an automatic response everywhere I went. I met two sweet ladies that I kept as pen pals and they were also so welcoming and friendly. I could write one page summarizing each of the seven days I was there, but that would be like a mini book. I will only mention the highlights for this blog. 

    I took two different tours with my sister and one solo tour for the last one. As expected, sibling rivalry was alive and present, unfortunately -- me and my sister are complete opposites when it comes to character personality. We both have known this since we were kids. I am the gentle, sweetheart, with a bubbly attitude all the time and she is aggressive, rough, with a negative attitude 80% of the time. So I expected to tension to build up and friction to escalate but not to the point where being apart was the only way to simmer the situation. We had an hour long confrontation talking about everything that bothered me and how she just didn't see things the way they really are versus how she sees them. We both cried out of anger, frustration and disappointment, but after two days we and mainly she gathered herself to be able to spend the last day in peace. I love my sister dearly, but I wasn't going to let her bully me into her dynamics and her perspective of how I should do things. We are both grown 30 year old woman who have the right to decide how we live our life. I did my very best to avoid confrontation over stupid things and she accused me of being a coward for avoiding confrontation, but I was being smarter by deliberately avoiding arguing over dumb shit like not putting the wet towel over the door like I wanted to versus outside in the balcony like she instructed me to do. I kept my mouth shut because I know what was in my best interest and if putting up with her control freak and micro-managing way the only way to enjoy my vacation then so be it. 

    In the moments where she was calm, cool, and collective -- we did make fun memories and shared beautiful sights that will fuel me for a lifetime. I did learn from her as well, and now more than ever I know what I will not tolerate in a partner, because being roommates with her for a week was an eye-opener for sure. I cannot stand having to constantly nag someone to wake up early if we have plans and a limited schedule to get things done. I never labeled myself as a morning person, but I really am an early morning bird. I woke up every day before she did even if I went to bed last. I enjoyed my morning reading the bible at the balcony with the beautiful ocean view and those beautiful sunrises. I love being organized and she wasn't as tidy as she claims to be and she hogged the TV control remote and never asked what I wanted to watch. The very first day we got there she didn't even ask which bed do you prefer and just picked the one next to the balcony immediately as if I was going to take it away. Again, I thought that was rude for not even asking and I didn't say anything, but was like okay that's fine I'll take the other one. Throughout the trip I shared all my clothes, and items I brought for the trip because she didn't bring a check-in bag so I obviously brought more things because I like to be prepared. So yeah, I learned a lot about what it is like living with someone within the same corridors. I had never spent more than a day or two with someone in the same room as me, so I am thankful for that part of the trip. 

    I do miss having a sister to bond with and share my life with, but only the Lord knows why we had to be separated all these years and will continue to live our lives far away from each other. I miss her and I hope the next opportunity we have will be a million times better and we will not reach those escalating moments of tension. I already know we need two separate rooms and I will handle my own currency and we will both have our own separate tours so that we do not annoy each other for being together 24/7. I enjoyed about 60 to 70% of all the foods I had been craving to taste again. I did almost 80% of all the activities I wanted to enjoy with my sister. She gets an A++ for selecting the 4 star hotel we stayed at because the customer service was excellent and the buffet breakfast was incredible truly remarkable. I loved that hotel and the pools and views were amazing. I highly recommend GHL Corales de Indias to everyone visiting Cartagena, Colombia!!!!! I love you Colombia and I know this Sunday we will beat Argentina 1-0 in the final Copa America for sure for sure!!!! Colombia wins Copa America 2024!!!!! 

Remember "You are not a mistake because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes" allow the Lord Jesus to change your life!!!

    Thank you so much for your support and keep following for more great content!!! I have amazing videos on my YouTube channel and pictures on Instagram all you have to do is search my hashtag #amilikey

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Love, Ana :) 

Failure eventually has to come #Amilikey

 

Yo yo what’s up my people? Nothing much I guess since I get so many messages and comments — not!! Well, I hate to admit it but I am still an emotional person and I was deep in my feelings after certain things happened, so I had no motivation to blog. I was so sure I wouldn’t fail this CNA certification because it seemed so simple and basic, and I got overconfident. I paid for a freaking 3 day training and thought that was good enough to prepare for this exam. Absolutely, not enough to cover all the clinical skills required to pass, the instructor claims thousands of people have passed, but that does not give her the credibility she thinks she has because one of two things happened: they either got the easiest skills she actually went over or they were smarter than me and did their own research and better prepared to make sure they didn’t fail by missing instruction on certain skills. I sure did leave her a review, because it’s not fair you think you paid for something to be fully accessed and then end up like what we have to do these tasks never performed in my training( not to mention we barely practiced the ones mentioned in the training). Once again, every time you try to save money and pay for a cheaper version of something — you get what you paid for and that was half the information. 

      So, I invested all that time and money only to come up one skill short of passing my clinical exam and that was devastating for my ego and my overall goals I had already projected. I am not saying it’s not my fault for not better preparing myself, but it definitely hurt deeply to work hard on something and to ultimately fail. I have not given up the project altogether, I just have to readjust and try again. I can’t say for sure when I will transition into being a nurse tech at my current hospital, but it will be part of my near future because I love taking care of the patients and being hands on. Apart from that deviation and delay in acquiring new certification to my resume, I also confronted something in my health that I knew about briefly, but hadn’t been emphasized with great concern. 

     I attended my PCP just the other day to review my annual blood work and he mentioned that I had two options. I could fix my diet or he would start me on meds to reduce my A1C levels to prevent me from becoming diabetic. I was definitely not going to opt for medication and I told him I would be working on my diet for sure. The part of this interaction that displeased me and hurt me was when he deliberately stated, “You might want to incorporate some type of exercise too, unless you have some kind of physical disability.” I was offended and responded, “I do exercise and I also run,” and he with a smug face said “Well clearly not enough.” I was like wow what an ass and what type of doctor encourages a patient by mocking them and questioning whether they are telling the truth based on their looks. He totally assumed I was just a lazy slob who clearly doesn’t do anything to take of herself and she clearly must not be able to exercise all because her skin texture has burn scar tissue. 

   I definitely won’t be following up my appointment with him, but I will check up with another doctor in four months to see that I did comply with proper dieting and exercise. It’s sad to think these are the types of professionals we have nowadays and it explains why people are hesitant to visit their doctors if that’s how they’re going to be treated with such poor manners. I understand you have to be firm about the serious implications that becoming diabetic convey, but there is a proper way to emphasize the importance without being insulting and disrespectful. He could have said, “That’s great that you have running as your prefer method of exercise, and now you might want to just increase its frequency to help you out.” Also, not assume am disabled because I have burn scars on my body. I hate having to constantly defend and explain to people I am not stupid or disabled at all. I have made many stupid decisions and have overworked myself physically trying to compensate for poor eating or time crunch. Yet, none of that labels me as dumb or disabled. Not to brag, but in comparison to the average Jane — I have accomplished more than they ever will and I can out perform them without any problem. 

     So, my point in all of this is that no matter how hard we try to avoid failure— it is inevitable and it has to be part of our growth. I learned yet again, you can never over prepare yourself and you can never rely on anyone else to get you ready for whatever you have to face. It is up to you to do the work and make sure you exhausted all your options to be ready. As much as people say, I am here for you and you can count on me — make sure you do your part above all. Accept the loss not like a bitter and sorry loser, but with a greater focus on not failing again and making sure the next time you get that beautiful W. None of this matters in the grand scope of life, but while we are here on earth let us be productive people who strive to make a difference in life. For those who know eternity is coming, it won’t matter how many failures or success you acquire in this lifetime, because eternity is not earned but rewarded by God’s grace. Remember that “You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes!” This life is hard enough as it is, so allow the Lord Jesus to be a part of it so you can withstand the failures that come your way and embrace them with the opportunity to learn. My blog may never reach the vast popularity of audience I’d like it to have but if one person can get something out of it then that’s all that matters — and maybe that one person is just me!! Major Lol. You have to be your biggest cheerleader because again no one is rooting for you. Alright, I said more than enough, again if you wouldn’t mind sharing, liking, subscribing or commenting I’d appreciate it!!!! 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana 😜☺️ 

Online Chatting Adventures #amilikey

     

    Hey there beautiful people!!! I wish I hadn't been under the weather for the past couple of past days because it robbed me of so much doing. Whenever you are physically sick, it literally takes out all the energy of doing anything. All I want to do is lay down and watch TV to try and rest/recover as soon as possible. I've googled that if you try to do strenuous activities while being sick it delays the healing process, so I try and keep that in mind and also use it as a crutch to be a couch potato for a little bit. Any who, I am back to myself and there is no better feeling than being 100% healthy- as in sick free!!! 

    I wanted to post some blogs, but the dread of having to face my flaws in typing also discourages me because I want to type so fast and get the blog in within a short amount of time, and yet somehow I always take up an enormous amount of time because I am constantly backspacing my errors away and that becomes so frustrating. I've literally tried both ways of typing methods where I only look down on the keyboard and type from memory then look up -- I used this method for quiet a while throughout my colleges years and it really didn't speed things up that much. In recent years, I've tried just memorizing where the letters on the keyboard are located and try to hit them as consistently as possible because I can't physically type the proper way with keeping the hands where they belong. I kind of just hover over the main areas and then skip and jump as I go along. Yeah, I know non of this information is relevant for you the precious audience, but I thought I'd share my struggle as a writer and a blogger!! 

    Now, to the juicy topic of the day-- online chatting in my lifetime! I first came to know it as an eleven year old girl while I was in my foster care family. There was this particular teenager that lived there and I gravitated towards like a big sister. She use to log in to her email msn account or some type of online platform and start chatting messages. I was amazed on how fast she did it and how she could communicate with so many people all at once. The fun icon notifications of a reply was so fascinating to me to watch. Back in the day -- early 2000 era -- you had these fun emoticons that moved like GIFs and that was like the coolest thing about chatting. The constant thrill of expecting a reply in the form of a cool emoticon and fun replies was so addictive. She would sometimes let me sit there alone while she went off to take a shower or use the bathroom -- in my naive mind and hopeless excitement I would attempt to keep up with the conversation while she was gone but I barely got in maybe a sentence or two. 

    When I finally had my own computer and dial-up internet for the very first time I was so excited to try my hand at online chatting I could not wait. Again, all the exact details of it are slightly blurred because this was so many years ago, but I do remember like the gist of it. I had an email account with Hotmail which  automatically created an MSN messenger profile as well. I logged in and I don't know how I connected with someone else online, but I started chatting with this guy from Egypt allegedly and he was of course all sweet and nice. I don't remember his name or age at the time (if any of it was even true) and I chatted for a while, but I don't know what happened in the conversation. It was a one time thing and I never chatted with him again, or at least I don't think I ever did. From then on I tried to stick to only contacts for a while. 

    Several years passed by and one day I ended up on some Christian theme group chat forum right when I was 19 years old. I again, thought I had found someone very cool and interesting to chat with. He was from Chile and he was 29 years old. He asked me for my name and I gave him my middle name instead and gave him my grandmom's last name instead of mine. I was skeptical of who he was and I was aware of safety concern so that is why I deviated from revealing all of my personal information. He seemed so excited when I described how I looked like that I too omitted the most pertinent physical aspect of me being a burn survivor. He begged me to keep in touch with him via email, so I told him to give me his email instead. I never wrote it down because in my mind I just wanted to have fun in the moment, but was not interested in nothing serious especially with someone ten years older than me who didn't even live in the country. For all I know he was probably looking for a green card and was willing to marry who ever to come to America. I do remember I randomly asked my mom that weekend, " What do you think of me marrying someone who is ten years older than me and she was like that's fine, it's not too much." I was like, wow, I can't believe she was actually okay with the idea and encouraging me that there was nothing wrong with that age gap difference. I guess back then in my own immaturity I felt like it was absolutely wrong. Now, I just prefer someone hopefully younger than me by only a few years -- like maybe four or five years younger than me only because I know wait for it: he has fresher sperm for baby making. MAJOR LOL. I know that is absolutely irrational because unlike us women, a man's sperm doesn't go bad that early in life like before 40 or maybe 50 it's still viable healthy sperm for making healthy babies. And considering I am already at the threshold, I'd figure combine my more mature eggs with fresh younger sperm to make up for the time difference. Major Lol. 

    Once the era of social media kicked in, it was a lot easier to find people to chat with because they were part of your Facebook friend's list and it made it convenient. When I finally had my own phone, I too endeavored in the apps with chatting features. During my early 20s, I chatted a lot and mainly it was like in a dating type of way -- like I was actively trying to find my partner through these dating apps which were like chatting forums. Apart from the actual dating ones, I did have a few meaningful conversations with certain people throughout the years like an online friend; however, they always fizzled out and we reached a no-pass zone where they couldn't agree with my point of view on a subject and that was the end of it. Most recently actually, I had an online friend who I connected with a lot and he even sent me audio messages and pictures and videos of his timeline like actual events. It was nice having someone to dish about my life with and know that he was actually listening to me and sharing his whereabouts as well. We didn't communicate that often but when we did it was nice hearing from someone in my age group. He didn't approve of my last stand on drinking and he felt I guess super offended that I didn't encourage him to go out and have a drink with his buddies. I simply explained I couldn't tell him to enjoy and have a good time, but I never like told him I band you from it or stop or I won't talk with you anymore. He literally stopped talking to me for over three to four weeks which was beyond the normal amount of time that usually lapsed between conversations. So obviously, I was upset and crushed to know it had happened yet again. I first blocked him from my Instagram account as to show him in retaliation for abandoning me with no explanation. Technically speaking, he knows about my famous hashtag #amilikey and he used to say he thought I was a great writer with my blogs, so I mean it's not like he doesn't have a way of contacting me and reaching out to me again if he really wanted to. Also, I did unblock him from IG again, because I was curious and wanted to know how he was doing. Every time, I think I found someone nice to be a friend to me-- like genuinely it epically fails in due time. I guess my only friend will be my future husband and that's it. Nobody tolerates me as a friend and I can't help but be my true self with my faith based standards. 

    Well, I guess that pretty much sums up the online chatting experience for me throughout the years. I made connections that were obviously just momentary and that brought nothing to my life. I hope out of all of those conversations, one of them will remember me and be reminded of God and find his way to salvation despite my lack of example as a believer. One last encounter I will never forget, a couple of years back when I was struggling to be employed, I had to much free time on my hands and I met this online guy on I believe Whisper -- the anonymous chat forum where people post random posts and then they chat with you individually. Unfortunately, it's filled with way to many annoying scammers posing as sugar daddies and sugar mommas so disturbing. Every now and then, it is possible to find a decent person who actually wants to have a conversation about something other than the rated R conversations. I want to say I posted something about one of my favorite movie actors Bruce Willis and how he is still pretty freaking hot as a male even this late in his life. Michael, there are so many Michael's in the world I don't see the harm in saying that much. He started chatting with me that night and the conversation evolved to a phone call per his request. At first, I was super hesitant because I was never into calling anyone -- I just like to chat online and that's it. He convinced me to call him, so I did and we literally spent the rest of the night talking on the phone. I had to obviously charge my phone during that maybe three to four hour span and he even took me on his trip to the gas station -- that part was kind of silly because when he used the bathroom he was like I'm going to put the phone down for a little bit while I pee. Major Lol. The part that was the most memorable to me was when he sang to me on the phone, he literally sang to me the song from Pocahontas because I told him that was my favorite Disney princess growing up. He had a really sexy voice and he could actually sing really well, so I was like mush all up in my feelings, blushing and elated that he had such a nice gesture with me a total stranger. After that night we kept in touch for a few more days and maybe had a another short phone call. Eventually, I can't remember why, but it fizzled out yet again and I was so bummed out. I felt like I truly connected with him and obviously he had sent me pictures of him and I was like wow he is really freaking cute too. I honestly in all disclosure saved his pictures and maybe once a year or two when I am going down memory lane I look at them. Obviously, he was never interested in me in that way and we talked so much about what we wanted for our futures that it also didn't make sense to even try anything because we just didn't align at all. I also do pray for him from time to time. I wouldn't mind getting to see him in person one day either. Major Lol. He probably forgot about me already, but it's just one of those stupid what ifs that you always daydream about. (Mostly just me) Alright, now I have revealed more than enough to elaborate on this fun topic. 

    All in all, " You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes" you have a purpose and a reason to live. Discover it in Jesus and allow Him to change your life for the better and give you things you never thought you needed or wanted. But above all just come to know what real love is and what true peace feels like no matter the circumstance. Thank you for reading this non-popular blog and make sure you subscribe, like, share and leave a comment/feedback!!! Ask questions if you even want too!!! 

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana:) 

            

My cuteness & sexyness got me... #Amilikey

 

   Hey beautiful people, how are you all doing? I'm just here trying to seize the moment and add one more blog to my 50 quota goal for this year. I wish I could be a fast type writer, but unfortunately my hands are small and I just can't go faster than top 50 wpm. So sometimes I do become hesitant to typing up a good blog because I already know it's going to take me a minute as in a long time, and I also get slightly frustrated with the constant basic errors in typing the faster I go. In this moment, I'm actually utilizing my phone so I'm texting out this entire blog and it definitely helps a lot, but doesn't feel like the usual blogging vibe when I sit at my desk to type on the laptop. 

      Anyways, that was all nonrelevant info y'all didn't need to hear. Major Lol. Moving on to today's hot, juicy, spicy topic of the day: I am sexy and I know it!!! Major Lol. Yes, I was referencing that one song. I have a semi long list of bad past relationships which I have shared about 60% of all the stories. When I say relationships, it's not even like actual serious relationships either, the ones where the guy claimed you as his real girlfriend. Alright, so out of all the dreadful experiences with these guys, there definitely is one I've avoided talking too much detail about, because he and I lasted the longest in this non-serious relationship which started out as friends and progressed to friends with benefits towards the end. I nicknamed him RJ3 in my journaling, so that's how I'll reference him to preserve like always his identity. 

     I'll do my best to summarize the entire duration of our past relationship. So, it all began before I even remotely thought it could ever happen. Back in my teenage years, I attended my local hometown church which was mainly comprised of Hispanics not from South America as am I. One summer, a new family joined our church with a few youth of their own, and I first I was a bit hesitant to approach given their demeanor. I initially felt a physical attraction to one of the brothers and ended up going to high school with him and another brother. I tried to get close to him, but the gossip of me liking him blew up in my face and he never spoke to me again. Eventually he left and I moved on to another teenage crush. I made it to my freshman year in college, at this time Facebook was just beginning to get a lot of traction and popularity-- so I stumbled upon one of the brothers Facebook page. I had seen pictures of him and his wedding, so I genuinely just wanted to congratulate him. He and his other brother had a similar nickname, so I assumed I was messaging the brother who had gotten married, and since he didn't have a picture I just assumed. 

      A few days, passed by and I got a reply back to my surprise telling me it wasn't who I thought I had messaged, but RJ3 stating he was the other brother. RJ3 at first sounded so nice and humble --- I was so naive to his true character of manipulation. We chatted a few times until he asked me to meet up with him in person. At this point in my life, he didn't understand or realized I was still in my sheltered point of view and I literally was just beginning to experience some form of freedom. When I graduated high school and began community college, it was a drastic change for me in terms of having the freedom to choose when and where I would go. In high school, I never ever ventured out on my own, if I wasn't in school I was always with my family. So, when I got to college, it felt weird but also so nice to have the choice to go places unsupervised and without asking for permission ( I always still reported my whereabouts, but still it was all so new to me). Now, with that being explained, the thought of hanging out alone with a guy was terrifying to me and unexpected. Also, I was not completely oblivious to his past repertoire of bad behavior either. So, initially I automatically declined to meet up with him and he immediately stopped talking to me. 

      Again, several months pasted by from that initial interaction. It's important to mention he said, "You're the true definition of beautiful and I could fall in love with you" those were his words from the beginning. I of course didn't believe him for a second, but they did have some type of effect on me throughout the next couple of years. I suffered a severe mental illness in 2014 and at the end of the year right around stupid holiday season, I literally out of nowhere started to think about him and wanted to reach out to him desperately. So, I eventually contacted him and went to visit him for the very first time since we first chatted online years prior. I'll never forget that day, he came out of his room shirtless and said my name with a smile (more likely a smirk). RJ3 was worried his bike would get wet because it was about to start raining and in my head I'm thinking wow he is a Harley rider --- as in a motorcycle. It was an actual regular bike and I laughed inside. We spent the rest of the afternoon mainly just small talking, and of course he brought up my old crush on his brother. I reassured him it was all in the past, and I had no feelings for him now. Eventually we kept seeing each other, mainly me coming over his house probably 2 or 3 times a week, because at this time I wasn't working or in school. The highlight of this period between us was my very first ever physical touch from a guy. Before RJ3, I had never held hands with anyone, I had never ever remotely cuddled with anyone either. So these small physical gestures to him were nothing, but to me they were monumental and unreal. I had never been asked in school or college to dance, go out on a date, or even asked for my number-- so I always felt unwanted and rejected by men. In my stupid, naive, desperate mind, I genuinely thought, maybe he could fall into liking me since he is giving me this type of physical affection. 

     In full disclosure, I slept over his house one night, that's when the cuddling happened as we were watching a romantic movie on the couch just laying right next to him arms and leg wrapped around him. I still remember the damn movie, Safe Heaven by Juliette Huff the ballroom dancer. I never watched that movie ever again because it had that special memory. I honestly thought that night I'd loose my virginity for sure, and I even like suggested it would by body language but he knew I was a virgin and resisted the temptation. I was 24 years old by this time, and that physical contact did something to me I had no idea would lead to the actual jerk who stole my purity a few weeks later. Another few months passed by and we only contacted each other via messages. He had this crazy idea about us moving in together to try to move out of our parents house. He barely had a parttime job at this point and I didn't trust him with something so serious. 

     Unfortunately, I had one last episode of mental health in 2017 as I tried to take care of a family member without taking care of myself. Yet again, he was the first person I wanted to reach out to after I got better. At the beginning of 2018, I once again met up with him after almost three years of not seeing him. We again, started hanging out from time to time, I had been through so much at this point I began to be reckless. My inner frustration and longing for someone lead me to be course by his actions. RJ3 got me into social drinking, and that spiraled out of control pretty quickly and that lead me to joining a shelter for three months. I wanted to spend more time with him and he only enjoyed my company if we were going out to eat, drink or watch a movie. I struggled for about two years since that time on and off a few weeks in between with him. One night in 2018, after some drinks I was at his place and I basically offered myself to him and this time he didn't ignore me. That marked the beginning of our friends with benefits status. We never like talked about it in terms of like wanting to become that and it always happened spurradictly in the beginning. I always felt guilty and ashamed it happened. He would always acknowledge it was wrong too. I'd say towards the last year, it was more like an unspoken expected physical interaction. At one point, after taking birth control for a few weeks I had a pregnancy scare with him. His reaction was so hurtful, he said, " Well, maybe if it happens then people won't think I'm so shallow because I got you pregnant." It was like his only concern was how people would take it and how they would perceive him, and whether not they would make fun of him for getting me pregnant. I praise God for not allowing that to actually happen. A part of me was obviously excited about the idea of having a baby and becoming a mother, but I was also scared shitless because I knew I'd be doing it all alone with no real support from him. He didn't have a real job and his drinking was only getting worse. 

    At the very end of our relationship, I'm so thankful I finally put my foot down and told him I wasn't going to keep having sex with him just for the hell of it. He never cared about me, and he never even recognized me as his partner. He was always joking about it and making fun of getting serious. This one time on Valentines day, he grudgingly took me out to eat and paid for the movies. On our way to the movies, he said, " Wouldn't it be funny if I just jumped in front of this traffic in the middle of the road and proposed to you, ask you to marry me and get down on one knee?" I acted like it was all fun and games, but deep down it hurt me to know he never took me seriously. I know at the time, my feelings for him were from a place of loneliness and desperation. In my mind, what I called liking was really just a lustful infatuation to the most high degree. I admit I was hooked on this guy, because of our long history and interaction. Over the last two years, when we were on good terms, we'd literally spend so much time together doing so many different things. Our times playing basketball and going to the movies was so often it felt like normal. We even ended up working together a few times after he introduced me to day labor gigs. That is the reason I reference him as the closest thing I ever had to having a real relationship. One time, he brought it up saying, "You know sometimes you can be in a real relationship without saying it, like you already know but you just don't say it outloud." He always knew what to say, to give me a false sense of hope there could be something more serious between us. So many words and conversations were exchanged between us over the years, but it was always the same: he used me to fill a void in his life of boredom and when I cut him off from sex for good he moved on to the very first broken girl he met. He claimed he really liked her and actually called her his girlfriend, which to me was super hurtful because he never gave me that title, but he barely knew her for less than 24 hours and yet he wanted to date her. 

       I haven't seen him since his family's wedding I attended with him there back in 2020. I saw him from far away at the store one day, and I panicked instantaneously and swirved my shopping cart so fast to the next aisles to make sure I got away from him. That happened probably about six months ago I can't recall, but obviously that doesn't count. I genuinely don't hold any hard feelings for him, and no matter what I do those memories we share will never be erased. I pray for him by name from time to time, asking God to deliver Him and restore his life so he can stop "killing time" like he always said and start living life. I wouldn't be able to have another season of my life with him in it, even as real friends, because our friend zone had long died. After everything we lived through, it just doesn't feel right trying to establish a friendship and pretending like we didn't go through what we did. I accept his apology if he ever wants to have that closure/healing conversation with me, but apart from that there's no future for us of any kind. 

    So my cuteness and sexyness lead me to a whole lot of brokenness and heartache. RJ3 remains at the top of my list for people who had a deep impact on my life and who will forever have a sliver of my heart. I always shared my blogs and YouTube videos with him, but as per usual he just made fun of me and never cared for my content. Sometimes I do wonder if he ever reads them or watches my videos, but again why does that even matter? It absolutely doesn't at all. It's just a dumb curiosity of mine. I have to say I am happy that I'm not reminded of him as much as I use to be which is nice, because a lot of things reminded me of him--- especially places I still go to. One final pivotal disclosure, my common phrase I mention at the end of all my blogs, is actually originated because of him. I would always encourage him to do better and to see his potential, so I literally told him one day, " You are not a mistake because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes." I don't say it to keep his memory alive, but to also encourage others and remind them no matter how many times you've failed in life, God has a plan and purpose for you being here!!!! That was my most deepest personal blog, but I don't want to hold back on moving forward and talking about it helps heal my heart. Till next time remember to like, share, subscribe and comment!!!! Follow #amilikey on all your social media too!!!! 

Love, 

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana ;) 

Basketball 🏀 and Me #amilikey

    

         

Hey true ballers!!!! So I'm currently blogging from my wifi phone because I'm too sore to sit down on my desktop chair and blog on the laptop. I most definitely overdid my little workout adventure, because walking 20,000 steps in one afternoon is brutal. Anyways, as I lay here in the comfort of my bed with the NBA Sunday showcase on ABC Channel, it inspired me to blog about my love for basketball. 

      So it all started when I was just eleven years old, as I was staying with my foster family-- uncle Luis introduced me to NBA basketball and I was in aweee. It was the very first time I'd ever seen the NBA and when I saw my boy Kobe on the court I was like wow this game is amazing. Those buzzer beater games were so epic and I was hooked forever. I remember staying up on school nights till almost midnight just to make sure I got too see the end of the game. After I left the foster home, I still kept up with my new favorite sport at least when the playoffs and finals were shown on abc network. 

      I watched it with my mom, I actually didn't know my mom had played basketball with my uncle and neighbors too when I was like a kid. Also, back in fifth grade during recess I'd go and shoot some hoops mainly to be closer to my then crush Isaiah but I did enjoy playing basketball. Throughout both middle school and high school, it was the one thing I loved and looked forward to doing in P.E. I shot hoops usually on my own, but the one time I actually played three on three I made a basket from the side free throw line. It was so nice and unfortunately the game didn't last long, but I was so happy I actually made a shot in the moment. 

       Ironically, my former FWBs both also loved to shoot hoops. One was actually a little white Kobe himself; he actually had mad skills and I saw him play up against taller guys and still scored on them. He really loved basketball, but let his short stature get to his head and he never overcame the disappointment of not being chosen because of it. I remember going to shoot hoops with RJ3 on several occasions and this one time I actually made a layup on him and it felt so good. He always distracted me when he took off his shirt, he knew he looked good and wanted to flaunt his abs at me. I asked him to play around the world, but he refused because it was an easy game. Neither one really cared about the NBA, but I have always enjoyed both the professional games and physically being out there on the court. 

         One time, during class in college a classmate overheard me and another classmate talk about basketball players, and she was like y'all should just marry a basketball player. I know it was just one random example, but it goes to show just how much I love it and enjoy it genuinely. Again, my mom's liking of the sport was also true in that when they were having the Olympics in China --- my mom stayed up until 4am to watch the USA basketball team against Spain. I was like a junior in high school, and I couldn't stay awake for the game, but my mom was just so into it. Of course the USA won the gold medal that year and I was like wow we couldn't seal the deal since I was rooting for my people in Spain. 

         An insider exclusive here I'd like to share, I'd like to get a basketball tattoo with my favorite teams. One day, I'll be able to flaunt it. Alright, well I'll let y'all get back to your itinerary schedules and thank you for taking these few minutes to read my humble blog. Of course I leave you with the most important reminder: " You are not a mistake, because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes." Allow God to heal your brokenness and restore your life to fulfill your life's purpose. Jesus is your true MVP don't forget that!!!! Feel free to like, share, comment, and subscribe too !!!!! 

Love,

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana :)