Hey you bloggers of mine!!! At this very moment in time I have to be honest with myself: my blog gets crap views and nobody cares to comment or share. So, what do I have left: a therapeutic outlet for myself and an online public journal. Maybe in another five to ten years this might get at least 100 views per day, but I don't even know what that would mean in the scope of popularity. I always wonder how these other people literally live off just writing blogs, and make enough to live affluently, but it is what it is.
The only reason I ever started writing blogs was because I discovered it was free of charge to me and that made it super exciting. I could share my thoughts and experiences with everyone who cares to read it and I was hooked. Yes, I had to restart it, because the original one was deleted about 2 years ago (wish I wouldn't have done that). So, back to the theme of my blog entry, I am here now and there is no going back in time.
Do I have regrets? OMG, are you kidding me-- I have more than I can account for!! My regretful moments are so bountiful that it just puts a sad face emoji on my face every time. One would think my regrets are only related to bad choices like going on random dates or waking up with throw-up in your hair, but my regrets go beyond the average "teenage defiance". I look over everything I have been through and I just keep wishing I would have made more profitable choices concerning school and lifestyle choices. For example, as soon as I started community college, I felt some sense of freedom I had never experienced and instead of utilizing it wisely: all I did was waste money on junk food and eating out every day. I had been a good student in high school and was able to earn a bright futures scholarship among others; thus providing the funds to purchase lunch & snacks every day on campus.
I could have been so much smarter and just purchased a lunchbox and made lunch to bring to college and saved probably half of all the money I had spent during those semesters. I could have used that extra money and just gotten the damn mother ephen license that has me tormented now. I knew I needed it, but I just kept putting off saying : what's the point of having a license if I don't have a car to drive, so I'll just wait to graduate and get a "great- paying job". I couldn't have been more stupid if I tried. It was this very basic skill that kept me from so many opportunities and limited the very object of my schooling which was to be employed. I thought in 2014 I was going to conquer this skill once and for all and again I failed miserably. I did the book smart portion and went down to the DMV and got the learners license with no problem. During that summer I had planned to finally land some type of part-time work to fund my driving lessons and bam I would finally move on with my life, but no that's not what happened at all. I suffered a horrible episode of illness that lasted the whole summer and it derailed me from my goals.
I obviously haven't given up on this damn basic skill that makes me feels so incompetent and less of an adult -- not that I even feel like an adult. In 2015, I again was focused on employment, so I again attempted to do a technical diploma thinking that would be a easier way to be employed -- again I failed. This course was not technical because it required passing a Florida board exam for physical therapy assistant, and I was only able to get through the preliminary courses to apply to get into the program. I had already run out of funds because this school was a private one and given my extensive years in college financial aid had already been exhausted. Somehow I was able to go back to finish up the very last credits I needed for my B.A in 2016 and again was on the waiting game for employment. The following year at 27 years of age, I finally landed my very first employment and it was both exciting and embarrassing to think it took me this long for a mere part-time at a mom & pop small business.
The struggle continued as I searched for another job, in 2018 I was enrolled in technical school for MOA (medical office administration) and worked a few months as a housekeeper at a local hospital. I thought for sure after finishing my externship, I was going to be employed easily and finally have that sense of financial stability I longed for, but nope that didn't happen either. I stupidly gave up my hospital job to complete my externship and after I worked at that office for free as an intern -- no hire, no referral, and no nothing. I landed a MOA job around April of 2019 that also didn't last because that office was a fiasco and they were taking advantage of me. So why am I summarizing my work history? To highlight that I regret listening to my damn school counselors back in high school thinking a 4 year degree would solve all my problems.
I am not against going to college, what I hate now more than anything is to compare everyone's individual situation to a straight path into higher education. The basic life skills are crucial to being able to move forward as a productive adult. I didn't have those basic skills as a high school senior and I didn't know how much I needed them until I didn't have them. So I regret not taking the time to look at technical options given my financial necessity to obtain license, car and independence. I wish I would have selected a medical technical option straight out of high school, but instead I sought after that glorious university diploma. Perhaps even focusing on getting a mediocre job first until I got the basics and saved up some money to start college. My mother only feared that if I began making money I wouldn't want to go back to getting a higher education.
There you have it, just some of the other things I regret not doing in the right order and at the right time. Now, all I can do is be grateful I had the "college" experience for whatever it is worth or owed, because some will never have access to higher education no matter how hard they try. I honestly say because I haven't reaped the results of my degrees: it makes it very hard to appreciate what I have accomplished. Let me even go one more layer deeper into the before and after. I was born in a third world country of Colombia and I lived very differently than I do here in Florida. I was one of those who experienced the true scarcity of basic every day living conditions. At that time, I didn't think much of it because I was just a kid growing up. Now, I remember it and I am left with an awe sensation of the drastic contrast of what little I had compared to now. I lived most of my childhood viewing a medium size room as the bedroom, dining room , and living room all at once. The thought of having a full room to myself seemed quite lavishing; running hot water; a washer and dryer ; a kitchen full with appliances; it is all these things I never thought of as the basic standard norm.
All in all, I know I haven't gone very far in life in terms of success, but viewing my life as a whole there has been progress. I haven't thrown in the towel anymore, because at one point in my life I had done so thinking there was no more reason to keep going. I will do better in weeks to come, and the things I still hope for will become a reality. Giving up doesn't do anything for me and there are many people depending on me to move forward. I shall overcome the stupid decisions I have made in the past that have stagnated my progress. My story will not end in status quo nor in ordinary bare minimum. I will make a difference in this lifetime, and it is not with popularity or millionaire status.
You screwed up, you dug yourself a whole, you did wrong by those that love you: so now it is your turn to let go of the past mistakes and push forward. You do matter and although you most likely screwed up with the timeline of your purpose, it is not a final cut to start that which God made you for in this life. Clearly, you are not alone, just look at my hot mess of a timeline: from then to now I will continue my journey to fulfillment in life.
Love, xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
- Ana :)
# amilikey
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