No Daddy for me

    Yo, Yo, what's new? I know everyone will be celebrating Father's Day at the beach tomorrow -- how awesome to those that can do so, but as for me it's just another day of the week. A cruel reminder of what I have never had and will never have so long as I live. Let's dive in and explore as to how this is my reality. 

    For starters: what is a REAL father? A MAN ( a woman will always be a mother period) who is a care-taker; one who provides financially; one who loves his kids with actual care and quality time spent with them; one who disciplines with maturity and not mental or physical abuse; one who teaches and provides counsel for all of life's episodes, and the one people tend to disassociate: having and giving RESPECT to their child's mother. This is the man who can claim true fatherhood; those that merely pay the government a child support check to the DCF so they don't end up in jail are NOT to be recognized as a real father. Now, let's also be mindful that there are a lot of men out there thinking that because they are the sole breadwinner that they are not responsible for changing dirty diapers, brushing their toddlers teeth, bathing the young ones, cooking and helping clean when he is at home. Every parent -- both mother and father -- are equally responsible for all of that child's care from beginning till he moves out on his own. 

    I was one of the unfortunate ones to have known who my biological father was and who he was as a bare financial supporter. My biological father only cared to provide the very minimum so that I and my sibling wouldn't die. He never showed any real love and care for us growing up until they (my parents) finally separated for good. All the memories I have of him are with a negative connotation, and he rejected my hugs as a eight year old when I was living away from my mom and felt homesick. I honestly can't even remember a time when my "father" told me that he loved me, nor did he care about how I felt or how I was doing in school. Like the very few months I was in his full care and he picked me up from school: all he would say was are you hungry and I gotta go back to work after I drop you off at home. In the mornings, he would drop me off super early before the school technically opened so I had to wait in the main office until they actually opened up the cafeteria to eat the free breakfast provided by the school. I had to go to after-school "daycare" in the playground of the school and there I had to starve until it was time to go home around 6PM. He never gave me any money to buy at least from the snack room until I either begged for $1.00 dollar or saved up from folding the laundry. 

    After I came back for the last time to reside permanently with my mother in the states: my "father" basically washed his hands from seeing me as his daughter and his responsibility. I didn't receive any financial assistance from the age of eleven moving forward. All I got from him was one crappie sweet fifteen birthday card with $75.00 that was from him and my godfather so technically he only gave me less than $40.00 for my sweet fifteen birthday (which is suppose to be a very big deal for Hispanic culture) and I am not making this about the money. He had plenty of money to gift to me on my special day, and more importantly the connection was totally lost. He knew how to reach me but never made an effort to call me at least once a week or damn at least once a month if it really was that costly. Letters were always an option, writing emails was another avenue he could have used to stay in touch with me, but he choose not to. 

    Same thing happened after I graduated high school and when I graduated from college: he only called me to use me for the millionth time to see if he could get a letter from the college campus requesting that he attend the graduation ceremony. He was trying to seek VISA entrance to come back to the states, but it wasn't because he genuinely missed me. The real motivation has always been for being able to work as a mechanic and make lots of money real quick. He has always been a great mechanic truly the best in the industry, but he only made money to sponsor his first love: alcohol. To summarize the last few years of my adult life: he only reached out to me the very last time via messages to ask me to move back to Colombia to take care of him, because he was sick and "alone". He had the audacity after all these years of hard work and true sacrifice in my life to just walk away from all that I've accomplished to take care of him --- after he stopped taking care of me at 11 years old. He thought he could manipulate me into thinking that somehow I was being a bad daughter for not being there for him now, when in fact he never really was there for me. Everything he did in my name was done out of the motivation of what he could gain through exploiting my accident and my physical condition as a burn survivor. Quick example, he would go around asking people for money saying it was for my medical care when he knew damn well Shriners was sponsoring my treatment at no cost to him, and he made a great living as a mechanic he could rack up a $1,000 in one week on the side of his regular salary doing extra work for people that would call him up. 

    So there you have the snip bit of why I can wholeheartedly say that I have no real father. He took care of me only when he was obligated to do so and he didn't do with love or care. He exploited me as a burn survivor to gain people's pity and pockets. I am already thirty, so what father could I possibly look forward to having. All the years that mattered and could have made a difference in my life are all long gone. The idea of having him walk me down the aisle at my wedding is not even a true guarantee as I loose hope I'll ever get married in the next 4 years I have left. After I am 34, my ass ain't getting married because by then I'll be too old to have a healthy baby, and I don't want more than anything to be an old mom either. So if I am not pregnant by 34 then I can't have it by 35 which is the cut off point from a medical stand point. The only thing I have to look forward to is him repenting for his long-sinful life of abuse and neglect not to just me but his over ten kids. I pray that he will be saved and I can at least have one last goodbye and farewell. 

    One of the reasons I look forward to marriage is the absence of fatherhood as well, and let me explain it thoroughly. I don't want to marry a man to be my father, I would hope and pray he was blessed with a real father and that my father-in-law would be that father figure I never had in my life. I don't even know why they call it father-in-law, but it seems nice to have a male figure who you could talk to about your personal life and know he is truly there to support you and care for you. Currently, I have a stepfather and I had him since I was twelve, but he never stepped up either so I was again left without a real father. My stepfather has only been a financial supporter and I appreciate that, but I needed much more than that as a person. He is no sunshine either so that doesn't help. He has been verbally abuse throughout my life and twice became physically abusive my striking me out of anger over something I did no wrong. So, I just avoid him as much as possible and keep my distance, because there's no point in giving him any confidence because he back stabs you with a blink of an eye metaphorically speaking. 

    In conclusion, I have no reason to celebrate father's day tomorrow or perhaps never in the near future. I will always miss that part of my life being empty and filled with sorrow, but I pray for the fathers out there that still have small children: may they be all that they need them to be with true love and care. May the fathers to be embrace such life changing blessing and know that there are those that never have that opportunity to be a father even if they desire it. Happy Father's Day to the real fathers that love their children in more ways that can even be described through sacrifice and hard work. God Bless the man that takes full responsibility for his own seed and the seed that others neglected too. 

I'm done sharing for now, so remember you have purpose with or without a father in this lifetime. 

        XOXOXOXOOXOXo,

            Ana :)

#Amilikey 

    

How I met him...

    Evening beautiful bloggers!!! I always go back and forth on what topic to bring to light, nonetheless, I am super grateful for the opportunity to share my life experiences. Lately, I have been catching up on some powerful films that have strengthen my own walk and faith. This past Tuesday, I received the book I had been longing to read for some time now. It is called "No such thing as can't" by Dr. Sexton and Lisa Sexton. My review is posted on my Facebook page. 

    As a burn survivor, my treatment for burn care lasted until I was 18 years old. During my junior year in high school, my operation had been scheduled for the summer before school started. My doctor had performed a facial surgery on my mouth to enable me to be able to better eat. It was at this time I met one of the volunteers at Shriners Hospital for Children, his name is Tyler Sexton, and he was accompanied by his dog Danny. He came to cheer me up and I guess do what people would call "therapy". Obviously, I had a hard time talking because I had surgery on my mouth, but it was so hard not to be me -- you know talkative and cheery. Major Lol. Personally, I am not a dog lover, so I just mainly focused on the art craft he had brought for me to do as he talked to me. Dr. Sexton was going to med school at the time we met in the hospital, and after the initial first time meeting-- he came back again. I had actually switched rooms and I thought --"Yes, now he won't find me." He totally went and searched for me and I was like dang he is not a quitter. It is not that I didn't want to talk with him, but that operation really did impair my talking and at that moment emotionally I just wanted to be left alone. 

    Reflecting back on it, I am glad he came to look for me and he spent that time talking to me and making me feel as if I wasn't alone. My mother usually stayed with me during every after surgery hospital recovery, but this time around she had to stay at home with my little brother who happens to be special needs kid. So, I perhaps was feeling lonely at that time, and having too much time to overthink things. He gave me his card and he also met my family briefly the next day. I emailed him a few times here and there to stay in touch. Once his first book was published, I immediately purchased it and was fortunate to have it autographed by him. During my technical schooling at Concorde Career College, I was honored to do a project on cerebral palsy and introduce him to my classmates. His story is absolutely remarkable and I am honored to have met him personally myself. Viewing his amazing journey throughout these years has been very gratifying and mainly motivational to me. 

    Tyler is now a wonderful doctor of medicine and that alone speaks volumes for his growth and transformation. I encourage you to checkout his book and more of his inspirational true story. Remember as always, you are significant and with God you can live to see better days in your life filled with purpose and joy. Thanks for reading this humble blog and checkout the rest of the posts. 

Xoxoxoxxoxooxoxoxo,

- Ana :) 

 

My V-card

        OMG I'm back and it hasn't even been that long since I shared my thoughts with you bloggers. Well, I thought this time I dig a little deeper than usual. I have talked about this topic before in my blog posts titled: Sex- don't equal love; born to porn? However, I'd like to touch on one specific aspect of this genre. 

        Let me brake it down for you non-pop-culture readers; when anyone in this age in time refers to the V-card: it means their virginity. I am not surrounded by the actual teens of this new age group, so they might have another lingo word to refer to it, but I like to use the V-card reference. So, with that being clarified I can now proceed to explain how I feel about loosing the V-card. I personally fell into peer pressure by some stranger and just literally let him have it as if it was something he should of ever been granted. I had absolutely no feelings for the bastard, nor was I even attracted to him. It was absolutely a remorseful regret I will carry forever. 

     So Ana how the hell did you still go through with it? Well, a part of me was still so nature based with curiosity to what sexual intercourse was all about and I figured I was already in the moment-- I might as well "try it out". I want to slap the living daylights out of myself for coming to this idiotic conclusion. I also, felt like since no one had previously ever even approached me in a "romantic" kind of way that my options were so limited and I felt the 40-year-old virgin stereotypical society accusation on my shoulders approaching. I thought I didn't want to be "looser" by still being a virgin at 24, which is like 100 to millennials, and all of that fear/insecurity led me to commit the most gut-wrenching mistake of my life.   

    After I got my cherry popped by some mundane fool I was "dating" online, I stupidly thought that he would appreciate me for giving him the most valuable possession I had kept safely up until that day. Absolutely wrong about thinking such thought, he only wanted to "date" me in order to keep milking me. I just wanted to experience what it would be like to have someone like me and be there for me as a real/genuine boyfriend. Never in my mind, did I agree to a sexual dating life where sex was a must have part of it, I just wanted someone to like me for me and have that "falling in love" experience. 

      Looking back on it, God did try to spare me from loosing my V-card so easily, yet I ignored all the headlight signs being flashed before me. He had the audacity to contact me years later to ask if I would sleep with him again for monetary exchange-- I was absolutely out-ragged that he for one second thought I would have interest in a sexual encounter with him again. I still can't believe he just assumed I was still so desperate and I would just give it to him. Hell No -- you asshole!!!! I know that what I did the first time around was absolutely retarded, but home-girl learned her lesson the hard way and she ain't never gonna just give it up. It took me four years later to make more sexual mistakes with other idiots, but I too have finally put an end to my reckless personal life choices. I will always regret everything and be ashamed of what I did and with whom I did it. 

    NOBODY and I mean nobody deserves to be allowed into your personal space intimately other than that one person who commits to you before God. Only your future spouse, should be the person rightfully entitled to enjoy the beauty that is love-making between a man and a woman. Your virginity is precious and you should not just throw it out there as if it had no value, because it is forever a jewel that is only discovered once in a lifetime. Learn to value yourself, and remember society is absolutely wrong in thinking you must do it to fit in and be normal. You nor I, are cars to be test driven-- we are human beings with a soul and heart that does not need to be sex-tested in order to be approved for marriage.   

      If I ever get the opportunity to really publish my autobiography -- I'll provide more juicy details of just how stupid I was during all those years of desperation and low-self worth. And no-- my book is not gonna be pornographic -- I just want to tell the story as it happened with PG-13 details. A little exclusive previous of how I would like to write my book will be chapter based of course and only 1 chapter will be titled my love life, so that gives a better perspective that I am not relying on my idiotic sex stories to be the emphasis of my autobiography. 


Okay, thanks again for reading it my humble blog and remember you are significant because your maker is God!!!


Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

- Ana :) 

Thursday Updates

Good evening beloved bloggers and audience!! I just wanted to share the good news that I am still alive and well – not that anyone is concerned about my whereabouts – considering I have 0 followers or subscribers to this blog. I have come to the agreement between me, I, and myself this is just a therapeutic form of writing that helps me and maybe 3 strangers who are extremely bored on the internet that might take a few minutes to read what I have to say.  

Anyways, regardless of the non-popularity this blog has – I am just grateful google allows me this tiny spot in the world wide web. Thus far I have profited $1.09 from ads displaying on my blog posts. Yeah, that is all from like over two years. So, I can’t make a living out of being a blogger unfortunately; nonetheless, I enjoy it greatly because when I am feeling a little down or randomly bored, I go back and reread my own posts.   

I truly meant to stay put, but the inconsistency and lack of respect for the effort I was giving just made me realize I can do better and I deserve better for myself. I don’t say that out of pride, I genuinely was giving it my all and hoping the days would just pass by quickly. Once, the upcoming transfer to home-bound was on the rise, I just knew it was the end for me and yes, I have to be honest I felt completely left out as usual. I didn’t have high-speed internet to be able to work from home nor the actual physical space required and so I submitted my resignation and once again I am seeking employment.  

Also, I admit I hate being in this situation for the millionth time, but my happiness and mental health is worth more than a salary. I know as an adult; you have responsibilities with yourself to provide for your necessities and to help your family. But there are more opportunities out there to work doing something more productive/meaningful to me.  

People think I am naïve to the physical major difference, but I am not unaware that my scars displeases the general audience. As a burn survivor, employers always discredit me just based on my physical appearance and it frustrates me whole-heartily. My face will never change and I have learned to live with, so now I would just employers to judge me on my qualifications alone and not whether people will vote for me as beauty queen. I am not asking for much, just the right to work and make a living in an office medical setting where YES, I am in front of the general public.  

I hope this COVID-19 passes by quickly so that I can once again have a better opportunity to be hired. Apart from my personal struggle to be financially stable, I am happy to know that I met new people through my last employment and that I had some good times working alongside them. My supervisor was cute and I don’t think he knew I thought he was major Lol. He was also super childish—like he acted like he was the cool teen still in high school. He did a lot of quirky things like lip-read his emails before he sent them out. His jokes were so lame and he has a goofy laugh. I enjoyed always correcting his poor-Spanish speaking skills and the fact that he didn’t know the basic Spanish lingos. Well, that’s enough intel juice on my work life, and hopefully enough to cheer you up.  

Again, thank you for the very few who take the time to read this post. Stay safe and well. Comments and feedback are always allowed!!!  

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxo, 

Ana 😊 

   

New Chance

Greetings My lovely audience, I have to say I am beyond blessed to once again be on a healthy routine. I am employed through a full-time job and I enjoy assisting people with the service we provide in the health industry company. I began this new journey at the beginning of December 2019 and I am thriving each day as I progress to increase my knowledge and skills.

I can't thank the Lord enough, for answering my prayer to be back in the office setting environment. I will always cherish the moments I spent outside in the sun sweating off my body in exchange for a misery pay that only supplied my basic needs. I know it was a time to reflect on the opportunities given and taken. Life has its' ups and downs, in this season of my life I have experienced both -- never taking for granted my current employment.

Many people applaud my skills, yet, they are unaware of where I come from and how hard it has taken me to obtain the position I have now-- so judge me all you, but I will remain loyal to one entity at a time. I want to prove people I am a hard-worker and I remain loyal to one industry. I shall have my reigning moment in the near-future but now is the time to build my resume with loyalty and endurance. Build my skills up to where there is no shadow of a doubt I am enough for the top position.

Moral of my story is that : without trials -- you shall never emphasis what it means to gain something because you never needed anything. Be consistent in one thing: never stop fighting for a better tomorrow financially, spiritually and personally.
Glad to be able to share this journey with those that take the time to view my humble blog.


- Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

-- ANA :)

First Time 5K

Good afternoon beautiful bloggers!!!! It has been a while since the last post and I truly apologize for the delay, but as always if you’d like more K.I.T. intel you should either follow me on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel as always just use the hashtag #amilikey

I just want to briefly update you as to my whereabouts. I have come to realize this blog has become more of an online journal and reflection; however, the reflections and journaling come with inspirational stories and juicy fun stories so heeeeeyyy Lol.

My career choice has been on delay and I am still seeking employment in the medical field, but I can’t do more than I am doing to obtain one – fingers triple crossed. So, in the meantime I have been obligated to do day labor and let me tell you I’ve been to 4 different offices already and it’s just always the same toxic environment for my spiritual growth. I am thankful though that it puts food on table for my family and at least supplies the basic necessities.

I was able to participate in the Tampa Bay annual Breast Cancer Awareness walk, it took place near Raymond James Stadium, and it was one unique experience I will never forget – looking forward to many more walks/runs.

The environment was surrounded in pink spectrum and there were families honoring their past loved ones which was very touching and heartbreaking too. I lost my grandma to stomach cancer and my uncle, so in a way I too did it in memory of a loved one. I pray all those battling cancer in one way or another receive not only the medical treatment necessary, but also the mental health support from family and friends.

I love being an advocate, I rejoice to be able to contribute to cancer awareness and funds, but above all my community engagement – I seek to bring people to God, because I know from my own life without Him there is No fulfilment in life or purpose.

Well, I’ve said enough and I thank and appreciate everyone who reads these humble posts. Hope to be autographing my published books in the near future to be able to interact on a one to one ratio with my lovely audience.

Love,

Ana J

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Immigration Outlook

          

       “Green go, Green go- is where the word Gringo derives and it has to do with the Americans invading Mexico wearing green uniforms, so the Mexicans would tell them that. I have had the privilege of coming to the States via Visa and I was able to obtain my citizenship with time and paperwork. This concept of immigration holds dear to my heart and I want to have a bigger voice in this arena as an advocate for all the immigrants legal and illegal, or better yet said undocumented.

            I never knew that there was a Puerto Rican culture until I was eleven years old as a foster kid. They were a welcoming people to me and I have learned to love them dearly. I do not know why I have been so close to Puerto Ricans, but over the years I have accumulated several very significant people like my best male friend and my youth church family. Puerto Rico is a commonwealth nation and as such is a mixture of the immigration lifestyle as they migrate from the island on to the states. They have to adapt to many different new aspects of living in America like speaking English and other cultural norms of behavior.

            Just recently, at my temporary work I had the privilege once more to make a connection with two Puerto Ricans one female and one male. Each one has a unique story and I enjoy spending my work days alongside them. He has a story that needs to be told and she too has something to offer the world. I hope to be able to keep in touch with them even after I move on to my next work position.  People need to understand that there is a lot of side-effects when people migrate and it takes a lot of courage to start a new life without your family and without knowing if you will be able to adapt. Everyone seeks happiness and it should be a duty to feel that same compassion for others from different cultures.

            I hope to marry outside my nationality, because I believe a culture mix is a unique experience and a wonderful base for a family. I love my Hispanic ethnicity and I cherish it fully with all its pros and cons. I hope you rethink the immigration outlook and remember we are all deserving of a better future regardless of the politics.

Take care and remember Jesus loves you more than you can imagine.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,

Ana J