Hola mi gente querida!!! Hi my beloved people!! So I've been going back and forth about this personal update, but I feel like coming clean about it will also help in my own healing. I do admit I tend to overshare and talk too much about things I later have to take back. I am clearly still a working progress towards full maturity even though I am half of seventy, which begs to differ I shouldn't have much maturing to do. Unfortunately, I still don't have it altogether and it is super frustrating/debilitating/aggravating all in one.
Without further intro, after about four and half months of actively performing my new duties, I couldn't be more sure that the path I once saw as crystal clear isn't at all. My expectations of how things would unfold haven't come true at all and some variables I was aware of I didn't take into full consideration. I thought that by attaining this new certification and becoming a CNA, I would be: one- making more money (as I am literally doing more work than before especially physically), two - have the satisfaction that my work made a difference and I'd be genuinely happy doing it, and lastly - it would encourage the future path to nursing. None of those points have come true for me at least. The monetary discrepancy is a true injustice because despite not having the extensive years of experience, I am still doing the exact same work as those with experience and so for that reason alone I do deserve a raise to acknowledge my transition in employment. Of course people in leadership always just shift the inquiry to and from parties and never resolve anything in favor of the people doing the hard work.
I constantly saw basically all the techs complaining on how much they hated doing their work, but my naive and dumb good sentiment persona always drew the conclusion that these people only hated it because they had no patient advocacy or true human empathy. I never truly realized that the ratio is disproportionate to being able to provide actual quality care. Your daily assignment is always full of heavy medical needs patients and the routine is laid out to where there is hardly any time to recover from being on your feet and physically doing work. If you are lucky, you might get one or two helping RNs that actually assist you in doing the work other than giving orders. The overall expectation that your tasks are your responsibility alone and even if you are actively taking care of a patient, it doesn't matter if other tasks are completed late as long as you get them done yourself.
Most people would just draw the assumption that it is the particular specialty of the unit I work on or the few apples that make work harder than it should be. I realized that none of that really makes the overall experience as a care taker any less arduous. The institutions structure is setup for a tech to always feel overwhelmed no matter what unit they work on, and the variety of patients is complex but always very hefty in one way or another. I personally hold hygiene as a basic standard, and to have to convince someone to allow me to help them get clean is super demoralizing to say the least. Elderly people have the right to refuse treatment, but denying hygiene is just so discomforting to have to deal with in both the unpleasant physical aspect and also having to do so much to help out. I never accounted that I would be constantly sweaty from going in and out of rooms whose temperature is just not within reason to my liking.
Finally, the aspect that is most discomforting that I thought I could overcome, is the constant life criticism from patients that are alert and oriented. I love sharing my personal story of survival, but to have to answer to strangers why I am just a measly tech is absolutely infuriating. I know for the rest of my life I will be judged, and everyone gets judged because it's our human nature to pass judgement. However, I would prefer you keep that judgement internally and not question me for my current status of labor. They just assume that I am unintelligent and I of course never even made it to a real university, because this job doesn't require such high level of education. If they even have any respect for my abilities, they ask if I will pursue nursing afterwards or currently; which is now a definite "No, thank you!!!" The physical strain on my body from just being on my feet for a twelve hour shift has been very enlightening, and add to that doing even more work than just standing.
I have also experience the ugly verbal abuse from patients that are mentally unstable; which I know every medical healthcare professional has experienced before (especially in a hospital setting). I don't want to be exposed to such harsh verbal abuse even if it is just a medical mental illness of being disoriented. I don't need to hear it or want to either; not to mention the physical things I've been exposed to that I also don't want to see at all. I thought I'd never be "cat-called" to put it lightly by men that are obviously ill, but it has also happened a few times and it is super aggravating even if they're just throwing me a mercy flirt. Even as a nurse, none of these aspects would change, and I see them constantly struggling with the overwhelming overload of heavy needs patients. I like helping people, but the corporate and patient abuse towards the medical staff is not one I want to partake for in the long-run in a hospital setting.
I hate that out of desperation to feel like I was making progress, I enrolled in prerequisites for nursing and endured a whole semester of wasted time and money that I barely have to be spending so carelessly. I had to withdraw from the summer term and loose the entire summer tuition because I withdrew before the reimbursement deadline still thinking I could push through working full-time and being a student. I literally was falling asleep on my first exam I had to take after getting home from work and of course I failed because I was half asleep and didn't schedule enough time to study. I solute everyone who gets through a full-time job and schooling because it is the hardest thing in life. I barely made it through one semester of it and it was super debilitating.
In conclusion, I really wish I would have used discernment to ask God if investing my time and money on this CNA and prerequisites was the right step forward. I hate to admit I was wrong about both, but here I am admitting it was the wrong decision and investment. It only brought about clarity of what I don't want to pursue and endure for the rest of my life. As much as I like helping people, looking at gnarly wounds, and trying to encourage others through shared medical experience - I will retrieve back to an administrative position where I excel most and feel most comfortable. I know I care for these patients to the best of my ability, and even if I am a bit slow I do it with love. However, I do deserve better and I am capable of much more than manual labor which is what being a tech is really all about. People will always flinch and get that startled look when they see me, but from a clerical position, it doesn't give them much time to ask me so many personal questions and the interaction is set to a one or two time short limit. I gained a new admiration and appreciation for nurses I will never forget, but I won't pursue being miserable for a few days just to have more days off to recover from the mental/physical strain of the career.
I dislike greatly that I still don't know my actual calling in life even though I have been asking God for many years. It seems like everything I have pursued in the past I have just been good at but never like superb. People say just follow your passion or utilize your gifts; but what exactly are my gifts? I thought I was a great speaker/talker, but no one ever remotely considers me for a presentation. I have gotten that awful dry mouth, shaking hands whenever I have spoken here and there, so clearly I am not that great at it. I thought perhaps my writing could make the difference, but here we are eight plus years into my blogging and I have gained a pathetic $2.15 in ads commission. Which honestly is the equivalent of zero because until I make it to one hundred dollars I can't even claim it. No one hardly ever reads my blogs other than to maybe be nosey, and I know there are a lot of grammatical errors and fragmented sentences. Run on sentences and just not the high quality writing a publisher might be seeking, so it might seem weird - but I cannot with confidence say I know what I excel at in the form of a talent/gift. Despite the unknown, I will continue to live life for Christ and hope my questions are answered. So with all of that let me get back to my main goal of spreading encouragement and reminding myself and others you are not a mistake because God that created you is perfect and He cannot make mistakes. You are here for a plan and a purpose so allow Jesus into your life and discover that plan for your life to be fulfilled. Thank you and remember leaving a small comment or feedback is always welcomed!!
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
Ana :)
